You are already in a relationship that you need to invest in

The disconnect

Anxious attached, avoidant, personality disorders, trauma bonds , depression, arguments, fault-finding, addictions, anger, hate, anxiety, lonely, striving to get into a healthy relationship, or any situation where you are not sure whether you are happy or not, not happy where you are, or struggling internally is an indication of a self-disconnection.

There is no harmony within, and you do not have a healthy relationship with yourself. If you develop a self relationship, you will prioritise yourself, and put importance in your freedom of choice. You would also understand when other people prioritise themselves and respect their freedom of choice..

There are parts of you at war with each other. Parts that you dislike and parts that you have abandoned. This comes from denial of your emotions. There is no harmony between you and you due to emotional repression, and using coping strategies to bypass. Whatever description of your condition now, started as a coping strategy.

You might go within to hide with depression to try to cope with your internal discord. You might use alcohol or substances. You might try to cling to a partner with anxiety

, or get angry and lash out. These are all coping strategies.

Connecting with yourself

There is hope. You can connect with yourself. By going inwards, but not to focus on your problem. Rather to create solutions.

Self-love

By sitting with the discomfort of your anger or anxiety, or loneliness, you can learn to start accepting all parts of yourself. You acknowledge the parts of you that you have been abandoning to seek solace in substances and others.

As you sit with the discomfort, you are spending quality time with yourself. Hug yourself and speak kindly to yourself using words of affirmations.

Allow the parts of you that feel neglected to feel accepted and included. Breathe into the parts of you that you have avoided or that you dislike. Even a part of your body. Tell it that you accept it and you love it, because you love you and it is a part of you.

Give yourself reassuring pats and regulatory hugs and massages, to grow your relationship with your body. Peform acts of service for yourself and get yourself meaningful gifts in nature.

Self-care

Connecting with yourself is a daily routine. It does not stop. Invest in and enjoy things you love. Create, play, connect with a healthy tribe and give something to others in need.

Everyday you wake up, acknowledge your existence and be thankful for your body, soul and all that allows it to keep going. Acknowledge your creator and the universe that responds to you.

Breathe deeply in and out for a minute.

Meditate for 5 to 20 minutes to the cosmos, to acknowledge your smallness in this big universe. Reduce the body mind-gap and silence the chatter of your brain.

Scan your body and be honest with yourself about how you feel and parent yourself.

Hug and talk to your inner child in front of the mirror.

Use affirmations to reset your subconscious mind. " I am worthy!" " I am love!"

Practice a tremble or upper body jog like shake to release endorphins.

Set an intention everyday to maintain your connection with yourself and that which is larger than you. " I will be good to myself today. Life will be fun!"

Practice minding you business in the world or mindfulness.

Let go of control. Be a spectator and observer of people's behaviour. Do not try to get into the space all the time. Let go of control. Breathe.

Trust the process. There is so much you are not in control of. Let things unfold in their own time.

Laugh three times a day.

Notice kindness and be kind.

Get out of your comfort zone and trial new things, applying calculated risks.

Go out into nature. Play. Exercise. Eat healthy.

Choose healthy circles and create boundaries in circles you were given.

SIFTSEM to keep up with your intention that you set in the morning; to create a relationship with your body; to familiarise yourself with your triggers; to identify root cause of your triggers; to parent and soothe yourself with five love languages and five senses, as well as reframes; in order to minimise, reduce impact and eliminate your triggers; to learn healthy decision-making, create solutions and to release endorphins.

Journal to vent, to communicate with yourself, to reframe and to monitor your triggers and goals.

Evaluate your day and praise yourself.

Hug and soothe before bed.

Consistency

As you practice this everyday, you will begin to shift your focus from others to you.

From your problems to your self-relationship and solutions.

From your other relationships to your self-connection.

This shift comes from an understanding that the quality of your other relationships is founded on the basis of your self-connection. You cannot be of use to anyone without being in harmony with yourself.

The more you prioritise yourself, the easier it becomes to be of service to children , parents, lovers, colleagues and friends. The more you accept, like, love and acknowledge yourself, the easier it becomes for you to do the same for others from a place of authenticity.

You also start to challenge your convictions and firmly held limiting beliefs that might be keeping you stuck in your anger and self-sabotage patterns, such as " Nobody can love me!"

You are in relationships with someone or something everyday. Abraham Hicks

As you begin the level one journey to loving yourself, you might find that you enjoy your own company. There is nothing you cannot give and receive from yourself the same way you give and receive from a partner. You might begin to genuinely fall in love with yourself, not with the pretty dresses, the makeup, cars or shoes, but the you within. You might find out that it is OK to be alone. It is ok to be and not to be in a romantic relationship.

You might recognise that you are already in a relationship with yourself. You might also acknowledge that you are in so many other relationships , with your friends, parents, children, colleagues, tribes and therapist. You can give and receive love in there with five love languages and five senses.

In turn, you might begin to enjoy healthy, fit for purpose connections where you feel fulfilled, not just being surrounded by people and feeling comforted because you are liked. This is also the time you are likely to create a healthy romantic relationship.