Confessions of a recovered love addict

In my days of loving too much, I could not live without a man. I would either be pursuing one to come back, or looking for another to replace him. It was not possible to live without a man.

I used to fall in love after receiving his first message. By the first date, I would be visualising my life with him forever. I would be saying "I love you" by the 4th date. I moved in by the 3rd month and by month five, I would be expecting a ring.

In my days of loving too much, I used to write essays to a man, not yet aware that he did not need me to give him an ABC of how to love him. He could love me without a single text message.

I used to think that I was better than any women he looked at or talked to, who did not dress like me, look like me, work hard like me, were as educated as I am, or were not where I thought I was. Not knowing that nobody's worthiness is tied to looks, education, hard work and dressing. He could simply love me naked.

I used to drive to his place, bringing plenty of food and cook him meals, clean his house and iron his clothes. I did not know then, that would not buy me enough love from him. All he needed was for me to be. Not to do.

I used to shoo away all other women to try to keep him. I tried to be number one to him. Not knowing that I do not need to compete for a slot in someone's life. He was his number one.

I used to follow him and check on him wherever he was. Not knowing that that was a self-fulfilling prophecy to bring the relationship to an end, due to lack of trust. If I stayed at home and trusted him to adult, and he messed up, that would be his loss.

I would turn up at his house unannounced, to make sure he was not alone. I would check his phone for messages from other women, to make sure I was the only one. I would explain how important it was that he did not speak to other women.

I used to believe that giving his parents or relatives money, buying his kids clothes, helping his friends out and cutting grass for his whole village, would stop him from cheating. Not knowing that he did not need me to do all these for him to love me. In fact that would scare him away.

I used to beg and plead, demand, force and push. To go and live with him. To accept his abuse and bad behaviour. Not knowing that he needed someone with self-control and boundaries.

I used to think that if I perform bedroom acrobatics, and gave massages and foot rubs, perhaps he would not look at any other woman again. Not knowing that he would have loved those, and given and received them, without the intention behind them, to keep him chained.

I would make life easy for him. I would understand, even when it was ridiculously obvious I needed to say no! I would do so much so that he could love me without the hustle of doing more in the relationship. "He is a busy man" I would say. Yet, he was willing to make an effort to get into his role.

Break-ups were really hard because I would plead and beg to get back together until I was so exhausted that if they did try to come back, I would be tuned out and uninterested. That was because I had already done a whole year shift working on the relationship.

I abandoned myself for a man.

I abandoned all other relationships for a man.

I sometimes would struggle at work, for a man.

I learnt that it is such a turn off when you have to do relationships like someone climbing Kilimanjaro.

When I did too much , I was desperate. When I tried too hard I was giving to get. When I gave a lot, it was to manipulate him and convince him I was the best. This in turn showed that I was not the best. Because the best value themselves. The best detach and enjoy the moment. The best stand in their worth and do nothing, but trust and allow.

Being with someone who is into me, looks like not having to device plans to keep him or make him stay.

Most of all, being into myself looks like not attaching my worthiness to a relationship or a person.

I am content with or without a partner. I only stay as long as the situation meets my needs for quality of life.

I now think that I deserve all the love I want to bleed on others.

I am only better than me.

I have no desire to compete for a man, child or job.

The only person I plead with is with myself to parent and soothe, go to the gym and drink water.

I will not contort myself to fit in. I will however match their energy in the relationship.

Bad behaviour turns me off.

Not stepping up turns me off

Inconsistency turns me off.

I do not have time to ask questions, beg , remind or force. I maintain boundaries on the inside. I live my life and I know that if the other person does not step into their role, they are gone. Not because I do not care about them, but because I care too much about how I feel.. Anything presenting as drama has no place in my state of peacefulness and satisfaction.

I have learnt that there is nobody who is going to love me more than I love myself. Besides, I cannot love others while abandoning myself.

To all people who love too much out there.....Learn to love yourself..

Learn to be your number one priority.

Learn to put yourself first.

Learn to be OK alone first.

Because it is not love if it does not include you. Loving someone too much is an addiction. When you are addicted to something, you are emotionally unavailable. You are basically bypassing emotions and taking action in a "reaction!" Loving too much is a reaction which requires self-regulation. In the state of a reaction, you can abuse people you claim to love through manipulation and by violating their boundaries. While you believe you are being loving, you are trying to control. That does not sit well with your lovers who are trying to hold on to their freedom. That is why they leave you or you then co-create a toxic dynamic.