Why you end up trying to control others

When you find yourself out of control in so many different ways, you might feel as if it is easier to get your soothing in the changes others make in the way they behave.

1. You might avoid your own shortcomings to look good. You might have internalised that "being flawed is bad." You therefore have a need to be right. In your eyes however, others cannot get away with the same perspective. You judge others by their actions, but you excuse your behaviour by applying intention.

2. You lack boundaries.

Because you have no way of asserting what you allow and accept, it can be easier to manipulate others.

This is why you might have an uncontrollable urge to blame or focus on the behaviour of others or try to change others. These urges are an indication that you are struggling to control yourself.

The uncontrollable urge can show up as ▪︎shouting at others

▪︎demanding

▪︎forcing

▪︎beating up others to comply

▪︎talking badly about someone to influence other people against that person.

▪︎ignoring someone who is trying to communicate with you.

▪︎overworking for others to see you.

▪︎Lying

▪︎Doing something someone loves when you need to address their behaviour or your behaviour, so that you try to get on their side, or to silence them.

▪︎Making recommendations, then forcing them on people when they do not seem to be interested.

You can only suggest, recommend and advise, but people are free to say no. That needs not be a problem either.

Your success lies in your control of your life and your self.

Let go of the desire to force your opinion on others. That is a control strategy.

Identify your control language.

Explore what you do when you feel out of control that affects your relationships.

Learn to initially evaluate your behaviour even after your reaction, and lean into the post reaction sensations.

Next, explore root cause and parent yourself with soothing and solutions.

Explore how you plan to improve your emotional baseline, to minimise trying to control externals.

Start self-care.

Explore how you can focus inwards and stop trying to control others.

Create self-boundaries.

Deep breathing and physically stepping back.

SIFTSEM and objective evaluation.

If you shout at or get abusive towards a partner, ask them to repeat a code word in order to prevent escalation of conflict.

Monitor your behaviour post triggers and learn to avoid triggering situations.

If you normally shout at children, learn to avoid the situation when it gets confrontational. Learn to just breathe and step back.

Let go, then come back to the situation later when you are calmer.

Self-control is a skill.

Do not be hard on yourself when you are still practicing.

Forgive yourself, but notice how you feel about your aggression or passive aggressive behaviours.

Those emotions are a helpful indicator to change your behaviour in future.

Even when you are conscious, you might lose control if your baseline is off for some reason. However, being aware your behaviour might not be as out of control as when you do not possess tools. Additionally, awareness helps you to reflect on your behaviour and learn from it.

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