Why we need tools for self-management or self-parenting

The reason why we all need tools to manage or parent ourselves is simple.

As children we constantly need someone to reassure and soothe us. Loving parents do their best, but even they cannot meet all their children's needs.

In adulthood, we continue to struggle with unmet needs whether or not we are triggered. It is unmet needs that drive our behaviour even when we are not triggered. We are in a perpetual state of self-parenting and being "mother" to ourselves.

When triggered or struggling with life questions, this is where we vent to others, family or seek a lover or friends for comfort. The problem in adulthood is that there is nobody standing hand and foot to serve us. There is nobody who will be like mother, who might have to take a day off to pick up their child from school. There is nobody who is going to put up with our constant triggers and struggles .

At some point people get tired. Just like us, they too have their struggles. They also need mother and they are doing their best.

We cannot expect people to be there all the time. Not even lovers , parents or children. That becomes entitlement. We have a duty of care to ourselves. To equip ourselves with the right tools for this job of self-parenting in life.

Another important part of healing therefore becomes empathy. Empathy starts with compassion; the ability to understand human suffering and to acknowledge that , just like us, others too have their struggles. Compassion comes with kindness to the self and address personal struggles.

When we develop self-compassion, we employ tools to manage ourselves and parent ourselves without constantly seeking a mother figure. With tools in hand, we are also in a position to reach out to others sometimes, to invite a co-parent to support us when they can. Seeking support means we are willing to be vulnerable, to share ourselves and to accept support. Additionally, we acknowledge our limitations and accept the support of community.

At the start of healing, this interdependence with others and with our resources might be frequently needed as we practice. With time, we can wean ourselves off others, as we become stronger in self-support and self-parenting.

We can love on three levels. Self, immediate circle and greater good. We can SIFTSEM to regulate emotions and for cognitive reappraisal. This is an act of self-love

SIFTSEM and Love on three levels are on Amazon

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