Why we have to do nothing instead of trying to change a partner

If we recognise that a partner's behaviour is feedback about how he feels about the dynamic, we would not need to do anything for the relationship in these moments.

Trying to change him relinquishes our responsibility to enhance our lives and turns us into victims of his actions.

One of our main problem, especially when we love too much, is that we believe we need to jump into the space and do something to improve the relationship situation, when things are falling apar.

We believe that a man needs our interventions to keep the relationship going. We behave as if we do not hold any power in our lives to make any changes that are in our best interest, without a man or without a man doing something to make us feel good.

So, we get into the space when a man is taking space or not stepping up.

Instead of recognising a man's actions as feedback about how he feels in the relationship, we rescue the situation and over function, over compensate and over explain.

We initiate contact most of the time.

We drive to him all the time or most of the time because he is busy.

We start to complain about less contact.

We help him to find ways to love us.

We focus on his behaviour instead of how we feel.

We send long text messages to cover the gap.

When he is quiet, we try to coax him out of his cave and ask what is wrong.

We send him little funny videos to cheer him up.

We give him recommendations and guidance on how to fix his life.

We try to make friends with his parents and children , to bring him closer.

We create space for him and abandon our other appointments so it is easy for him.

Yet, if we could focus on our own happiness and joy, we could do nothing.

In trying to change him, we are trying to feel good and soothe with externals, which does not last even if he changes, or work because he rarely changes. In fact he reacts from repulsion to our desperate need to transform him into what we want.

There is so much of our lives to focus on, so much to fix, including recognising why we are in this situation. Our traumas hold the key or root cause to our Relationship outcomes. .

We can therefore invest in ourselves in moments when he seems busy or not having time. Or not stepping into the space.

We can invest in a routine that allows us to take responsibility for our lives, and bevome the creators of our own happiness

We could parent ourselves and give ourselves a mother to give us what we seek in this man.

We could sit with the discomfort of our sensations and soothe and parent ourselves.

We could invest in our interests when he does not seem interested.

We could give ourselves love with love languages and five senses when we need love from him.

We could invest in relationships with our families, friends and children.

We could start projects and enjoy life.

We could join a gym and invest in our well-being.

We could volunteer and support the greater good.

We could let him choose what is best for him, while we assess how we feel in the dynamic.