Why it is difficult to leave an unhealthy relationship

Why it is difficult to leave When people are in difficult relationships, it is not that they do not understand that on the surface they are unhappy. On a deeper level, they are aware of the fact that they are not in a place where a loving mother would like to see them. While the decisions people make are rooted in trauma, these decisions overlie shame, guilt and a need to prove themselves to parents to whom they had to constantly prove themselves in childhood. Expectations When people get into relationships, they go into the till death do us part mindset, rather than, as long as it lasts, or as long as we keep choosing each other and we are healthy for each other. When things start falling apart, they try to control outcomes to ensure things stay as they were. Yet, the very act of over functionin cripples the relationship, where detachment would work wonders. Attaching worthiness and joy to a relationship When people go into a relationship in the hope that it will fill a void of unhappiness, all that is crippled when a relationship is falling apart. In their feelings of pending abandonment, they might try to prove their worth by holding on. Or by trying to fill the cracks and fix the partner. Shame When a relationship is falling apart, the reason why it might be hard to let go is toxic shame. Having attached worthiness to the relationship, and also due to societal expectations, they might fear judgement from society. They cannot bear to face their friends , family or colleagues to whom they had explained their worthiness based on relationship. Guilt Having been brought up by parents who probably put emphasis on marriage or society that views marriage as a source of status, they might feel guilty about leaving or divorce. So they try their best to fix, to live together in a non relationship or to fake it to the world. Denial Behind the guilt and shame is denial. Having been raised in an environment that does not acknowledge emotions, suppresses them to keep up appearances, society that puts people who have externals at the forefront, these people might believe that what they show superficially is what matters. They forget that no matter what people see about you, what matters is how you feel about yourself or your situation. If you are unhappy, faking it to people is not a solution. It is better to retreat and be alone with your challenges. To parent yourself. To use those emotions to create decisions. All these emotions are rooted in trauma and conditioning. Heal your inner child and recognise that how you feel matters. How you are responsible for parenting the child in you. How it matters that the child in you is acknowledged and heard. How you can avoid the very parenting that led you to self-denial. Be willing to face the hard stuff and stop filling the gaps. Your mental health rides on the quality of your relationships. You spend time in your relationships. Yet, more than anything, the quality of your life rides on your self relationship. You spend all your life with you. Learn the dichotomy of control and choose your battles. Choose what to fight for and what kind of fight to participate in. Prioritise your wellbeing.