Why do we let men/partners treat us badly

Why do we let men/partners treat us badly

This attitude comes from a need to control. We believe that through "allowing" or enabling a partner to do as they wish, we can be the good girl, nice guy who they can love.

The behaviour is learned . When we learnt to deny our feelings to please our parents or caregivers in order to keep the peace, we also trained ourselves how to do future relationships.

Relationships are learnt in our home environment with our caregivers. That is our practice ground that prepared us for today

We now try to get the love we did not get in our childhood.

We therefore gravitate towards people who do not treat us well, because we might look for and accept people we need to fix.

To prove our worth, we work hard to achieve this dream relationship. Hard work also involves stepping into the space and being the "breadwinner" of the relationship. Martyrdom and sacrifices are facilitated to "be in a relationship!"

Through lack of self-worth that we learnt at home from our experiences, we believe our worthiness is only found in a particular person or in a romantic relationship. It makes us feel as if romance is a great achievement, to prove to those who did not love us that we are loveable.

The people we gravitate towards have their unhealed wounds. They are needy and therefore grab their opportunity to act out with us, because there are no consequences.

We lack boundaries due to self-betrayal of not acknowledging how we feel.

Underlying dynamics

This attitude comes from a need to control. We believe that through "allowing" or enabling a partner to do as they wish, we can be the good girl, nice guy who they can love.

We lack self-respect and self-compassion when we stay in a relationship where we are not treated well.

We "allow" this treatment because we do not know any better.

We do not believe in our worth, and attach it to this person or romance.

Because we might believe that by letting someone get away with treating us badly, they can stay longer and love us.

We deny our feelings, in the hope that we can gradually get a partner "fixed into being loving" towards us, through our force of love.

We fear abandonment, yet act in a way that turns off a partner and lead to rejection. People love and respect people who love and respect themselves

Fear of abandonment

We fear the same abandonment we experienced in childhood from our parents, so we try our best to hold on. We act in a way that turns off a partner and lead to rejection.

These desperate acts repel the other person who recognises that we do not plan to leave. They also do not have a standard by which they can love and respect us, due to their own wounds.The cycle continues.

We cannot stand up for ourselves. We have put them on the pedestal and feel that they are above us. We believe we cannot survive without them.

We do not want our choices to be wrong, so we force outcomes to make it work.

We defend the very person who is not treating us well by avoiding healthy advice, staying, verbally and tacitly making excuses for them.

We do not believe we can "do better than this!" This person is "it!" Again we learn that because our parents are our only parents. We mistake that to be the same is romance.

In order to dismantle this construct , we need to address how we relate with ourselves.

The act of denying how we feel is repression.

What we need to reflect on to make changes.

1. We need tools to pause and feel without applying coping strategies that are unhealthy, such as focus on a partner and try to fix them.

2. When we start to acknowledge how we feel, we can then learn to sit with the discomfort and parent ourselves. Parent ourselves into unconditional worthiness. Parent ourselves to prioritise ourselves.

3. We start to practise self-care, to put ourselves on our priority list. Work, partner, children, friends can only get the most of us when we are in a healthy relationship with ourselves.

4. As we recognise our importance through self-care and investing in our interests , we come to the acknowledgement that we do not need to replace anybody. We have ourselves. We need ourselves.

5. As we become more confident in our decisions, we also meet other likeminded individuals, and people who share our interests.

6. We begin to create boundaries and refuse to allow ourselves into unsafe spaces. We begin to detach more, and walk away when not respected. We then gradually make the decision to put temporary or permanent distance between us and the person who does not treat us well.

7. As we heal, we become aware of many other relationships apart from romance. We start to invest in these other relationships.

8. We develop an abundance mindset. We recognise that there are other people out there who can meet our needs.

9. We start to screen people for their behaviour and let go early on.

10. We start to accept dates from healthy relating people.

What to do

Tune in to your emotions.

They very act of denying your emotions to please or appease parents led you to this situation.

You are now the perpetrator, invalidating yourself by not accepting your feelings.

Accept all parts of yourself, including the fact that to be human is to feel.

Your behaviour is driven by feelings and thoughts underlying certain beliefs.

Sit with your emotions and pay attention to the inner critic.

Parent yourself and heal your inner child.

Learn boundaries

Allow others to take care of themselves, even if they have to leave you.

Healthy relationships start with a healthy self-relationship.