When your partner's ex is abusive

Time and time again we find ourselves in situations where we stand in the middle of a battleground between a new partner and their ex. In any situation you find yourself, practice objective evaluation. Learn to parent and soothe yourself with compassion when the first attack starts. Create solutions to reinforce your boundaries before the situation escalates.

If this has been going on for a while, still parent yourself. The important input is to create situation to hold on to your values and enforce boundaries. Such situations require the dichotomy of control. 1. Accept that this is happening. 2. Sit with how it makes you feel and soothe yourself with five love languages and senses. 3. Explore root cause to find out why you are here. 4. In your solutions, recognise that hurt people hurt people. This person might be struggling to move on. Or they lost their children and are hurting because you live with them. 5. Also identify, if this has been ongoing, what your partner is doing about it. Some people lack boundaries, and therefore enable abusive behaviour. If your partner cannot deal with their stuff, ask yourself if you are prepared to have someone bleeding on you for the sake of being in a relationship. 6. Also, look into your involvement in their children together, and recognise that you cannot replace your partner's ex in the life of their children. Or perhaps if you are getting involved to help your partner with their drama. That is not your place. This person might be reacting because of that. Your partner is an adult. 7. Focus on self-care to change your life outcomes. Start with a morning routine, day and night. Learn boundaries and limits and standards. Do not get involved in drama. 8. Your boundaries need to be enforced in order that your partner contains their situation if they decided to get into a relationship with you. 9. Additionally, do not influence a person to stop their ex from seeing children. There is a way, including supervised visitation or contact. 10. Put yourself in this person's shoes and recognise how hurt and traumatised they must feel. Recognise their perceived losses. But do not put up with abuse.

They must be pretty desperate at this point. You cannot change people. You cannot wish away what they do, but if you try to understand where they are coming from, you can learn compassion and let go. 11. Journal emotions as you parent yourself. Follow through with your solutions or decisions. 12. Create a vision board. What would you like to see in your life? Use affirmations and gratitude even as you parent your triggers and each day with self-care. Minimise discussions around this person with your partner. Focus on your relationship. Let your partner deal with their ex. You are another partner and you might also end up in such a situation, if your partner has some habits. Sometimes resentments begin when we are too involved in the business of our partners. Create your future by repeating what you want to see. That is like growing a plant. You are putting the seed down. If you see this abusive person in your mind eye, what would you like to to see in your interactions? Live that in your visualisations. So, understand their pain without accepting their behaviour. Parent yourself and nurture what is in your best interest. Focus on solutions not the problem and on living a peaceful life.

If your partner cannot stand up to this person, consider whether you want to be with this person for life working hard for your worthiness. Your partner's lack of boundaries is a reflection of their own issues.