When a partner is distant or retreating

Do not chase someone who is running away

When you notice that he might be detaching, there is something he has detected as unsafe. Or he feels a sense of danger in the relationship.

If someone feels unsafe, and they run, chasing them is likely to make them increase their speed to widen the distance between you and them.

For this reason, you need to detach and be a step behind. Give them an opportunity to decide what feels best for them.

Focus on how you are feeling , instead of trying to pursue this person, to cover up your pain or to avoid focusing on your difficult emotions.

As a parent to yourself, consider how you can best approach a situation where someone is running away from perceived danger , and you being the perceived danger.

You would trust that this person knows what is best for them.

You would allow them to seek safety in a place where they choose.

Meanwhile, it can be a great mindset to adopt the innocent until proven guilty mindset. Do not rush to conclude that there is a problem. If it is, it is their problem. Allow them their desires - give them the space.

In those moments, you need soothing because this can feel distressful. Your abandonment wound might be triggered. So, you also find safety in yourself, and in people who can support you.

It might be that this is the time to invest in yourself more.

Invest in your tools for self-management.

Invest in your interests.

Love on three levels.

If you could send one message, you would need to consider what other communication you have already sent. It is not a good idea to keep bombarding someone with requests to do something they know they need to do.

It also does not help to make excuses for someone whose behaviour is not in the interest of the relationship, by trying to fix their shortcomings. Relationship takes two. If you are doing what you need to do, you do not need to do more. That might be fixing mode.

In the event that this person comes back, it depends on how long they have been away and what decision you have made.

If you still want to try, it is important to ensure you trigger your boundaries. Timing is key if you want to resolve this situation.

Let them choose to come back, without you pursuing. When they do, it is helpful to curiously ask how they are and ask if there is anything you need to know since you had not heard from them for a few days or week.

Let them know what you are looking for, " I am interested in someone who is consistent and will communicate if they need to take space.

Create a timeline to observe behaviour before exit. Meanwhile, to encourage someone, express appreciation for them when they do something for the relationship. You would want the same. If it is a repeat, it helps to prevent unhealthy patterns

If he does not step up, and get into the space, it means he has decided that is what is best for the relationship.

The behaviour of either of you is always in the best interest of the relationship, which might include exiting the relationship.

In that case, it might be time to grieve and let go. Consider your values and boundaries and recognise that people are on loan. Everything is good while it lasts.

Blog post here

https://www.friendsabroadrelationshipschool.co.uk/post/when-a-partner-is-distant-or-retreating