We need self-management tools

Why do we struggle in life and in our relationships?

We struggle because we encounter the unwanted without tools to manage these "strange or unexpected situations."

We struggle because we do not have a daily routine that we practice to address situations and encounters that are unexpected.

We struggle because due to lack of these tools lack we might maintain the same self-sabotage habits. We keep bypassing our emotions.

Most of the time when we lack tools and we encounter problems, we automatically take reactive action and maybe vent and dwell on the problem. This is a form of denial of emotions, because then we we avoid feeling. We might also automatically decide to replace the emotions with something positive, without being curious about the negative emotions.

We need acceptance We might not take the time to pay attention to what we are thinking and what else is going on in our bodies. This evaluation can help us to understand ourselves and how we can handle these experiences in a healthy way in future. There is a message in our emotions. One from the past (bodily and inner critic)and another in the present ( the story that triggered).

When we spend quality time with the trigger, we parent the child from the past by making them feel acknowledged and heard. This is in contrast to how they might have been cared for those years ago. We also address the story in the present by creating solutions, so that we do not keep triggering the inner child.

We can tap into our infinite intelligence to get answers and move forward into a chosen better feeling reframed emotion, AFTER allowing the experience for a period short enough to create solutions.

To be human is to experience emotions. When we ignore emotions we disregard our humanness and that does not work. The body keeps the score.

Sitting with our emotions is accepting of our humanness and of all parts of ourselves. That is an act of self-love. Giving ourselves the gift of quality time with a trigger, and holding space is an act of self-compassion. We do that for others, we soothe children, we listen to friends vent. We need to do that for us too.

Parenting ourselves and soothing our distressed body and mind, and replacing negative thoughts and putting ourselves in other people's shoes is a very self-compassionate. Self-respecting ourselves by not rushing to attack, but to reflect is an act of dignity. By focusing on our feelings we take responsibility, rather than put the responsibility for our experiences on others. Of course, we can create boundaries on the second level and hold space too. Yet, that comes after owning our experience. After all experience is individual and nobody is responsible for our feelings. Marcus Aurelius taught us, It is not

We need to be the parents we needed as children. Otherwise, we bleed on ourselves and others we get in concert with. We need tools for self-management. That includes social skills, emotional regulation skills, cognitive restructuring tools, root cause analysis, decision making skills and spiritual practices.