We heal in relationships, but you need to work on the first important relationship.

While you might feel rushed to get into a relationship, it might help to focus on yourself for some time.

A romantic relationship is great if it is healthy. If you find yourself falling into patterns of dysfunctional relationships or you are presently in a long term unhealthy relationship, then it is helpful to look into self-limiting beliefs that are keeping you in this pattern.

Rather than feel that you need romance to feel connected with others, recognise that there is romance in your self-relationship, a different kind of romance with your friends, family and colleagues and the greater good.

For a period you are better off focusing on yourself, learning tools for self-management and emotional self-regulation. We heal in relationships, but they do not have to be romantic. You also have a relationship with yourself which is the most important.

Your immediate circle is the training ground for your relationships. Children, parents , housemates, colleagues etc, are all a source of triggers and can all give you an opportunity to heal. Invest in these relationships rather than focusing on romantic relationships that are not working. You also need these relationships for support to keep your romantic relationship strong and going, as you allow space.

Take the time to invest in these other relationships and be intentional with healing and trigger management in order to learn skills that you can apply in a romantic relationships.

Take the time to invest in yourself and intentionally work on your triggers instead of ignoring them or dismissing them within your circles.

We go to college to train for a job and go on study leave sometimes. We need to start going to relationship college. To learn basics of relationships before going into and out of romantic relationships which might not be fulfilling.

Create a relationship plan. What do you want, and how best can you meet these needs yourself. Give yourself a period of time to go inwards and sort out some heavy stuff. You cannot clear it all out, ever. However, inner child work with emotional intelligence is a good start.

Many people struggle because they lack tools to navigate life and relationships. We go to work equipped with tools and skills, frameworks and concepts. We need that in our relationships. Single is the time you learn relational skills and acquire tools for relationship.

Go for therapy, counselling, coaching or join a group of self-healers who are committed to changing their lives.

Learn self-parenting to avoid looking for a parent in a relationships. Love yourself with five love languages and five senses. Explore your strengths and your challenges. Improve your emotional baseline, so that you do not react to every little action due to projection, caused by unhealed trauma. Practice daily self-care to maintain, hold or improve that baseline. When you commit to yourself, your main focus is yourself and that minimises emotional dependence in other relationships.

When you are triggered, learn to have a tool to apply to bring yourself back to your baseline.SIFTSEM is one such tool on Amazon. It helps you manage yourself and learn detachment, self-parenting and solution focused rumination.

As you become compassionate to yourself, you also become empathetic towards others. You understand that others need to love themselves and prioritise themselves, which minimises pressure on a partner to do for you, what you can do for yourself. You also love others through love for self and vice-versa.

Learn social skills (teamwork, collaboration, inspiration and conflict resolution.) A relationship is a team and calls for all parties to work together. Daniel Goleman reminds us that the emotions of every team member matter.

Communication. Learn how to express your needs , set boundaries, listen, solicit and receive feedback. This happens outside romance too. We are in constant communication with others daily.

As you strengthen your self-relationship, with a sense of self you will be ready to navigate other relationships. You will not hold anyone responsible for how you feel. You will not act entitled or try to manipulate a partner to behave in a way that makes you feel good.

Healing helps you to learn to adhere your values and to stay in spaces that are healthy. When you explore healing, you also learn to make healthy judgements, in order to act in your best interest. With a strong self-relationship, you appreciate connecting with others or a partner, as well as being alone, intra-connecting. This way, you will also be OK, whether you are in or out of a romantic relationship. You are not afraid to be alone.