Understanding dysfunctional families

Your emotional needs were not met. These are not only needs for love and affection. It means your perceptions and feelings were largely ignored or denied rather than accepted and validated.

You felt fear, confusion, anger, and guilt when you questioned or asked something because your parents responded in a way that implied your perceptions were wrong.

As a child you had to choose between believing your parent was lying and that you were right in what you hear, see and feel.

You settled for confusion and ended up tuning out your perceptions to avoid discomfort of having your feelings invalidated.

Your ability to trust yourself was impaired and your perceptions in close relationships was diminished.

Your need for affection was also not met.

Your parents might have fought or were in different kinds of struggle with little time or attention left for you and your siblings. This left you hungry for love.

Dysfunctional homes

Addictive behaviours- abuse of alcohol, drugs,

compulsive eating, working, cleaning, gambling, spending, dieting, exercising.

Addiction disrupts and prevents honest contact and intimacy in a family.

Physical abuse- hitting both spouse and children. Inappropriate sexual behaviour of adults towards children.

Constant arguing and tension.

Extended periods of time in which parents refuse to speak to each other.

Parents with conflicting attitudes or values

Parents who compete for children's attention or loyalty.

A parent who cannot relate to others in the family and thus actively avoids them, while blaming them for this avoidance.

Extreme rigidity about money, religion, work, use of time, displays of affection, sex, television, housework, sports, politics, and so on.

These obsessions prevent contact and intimacy, because they emphasise rules not relating.

These behaviours are damaging to a child and especially more harmful when both parents exhibit them.

In toxic relationships, there is complementary pathology. A person who is addicted to alcohol marries someone who eats compulsively. They will struggle to control the other’s addiction.

The balance between an anxious attached , clinging and overprotective mother, married to an avoiding father who has anger issues lead to enabling each other's unhealthy behaviours and attitudes.

Such couples relate to children in a destructive way. Children raised in dysfunctional families are to some extent damaged in their ability to feel and relate.

On the journey of healing emotions, this is the information you need to answer the question , " Who am I?" This information helps you to identify why you do what you do. You will understand the reason why love too much and approach life and relationships the way you do. Essentially, when you know the root of your behaviour, it is therefore easy to know where to start with your healing.

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