Towards conscious relationships

Mirror and match, Detach and express

If you have anxieties around dating without tools, this topic is for you. There is a secret you can apply in your relationships when you are still recovering from your major traumas.

The idea is to recognise that you benefit from exploring healing tools regardless. These steps can help you to explore dating while also healing.

1. Be a step behind Take you time to feel your way through dating and the early stages of a relationship. Do not rush. Take a step back and try to be a step behind to gauge the situation. There is no rush if you want something that lasts. Build it up, one day at a time.

If you are in a relationship where there is conflict or the dynamic is stale, step back and focus on yourself. Avoid initiating, raising issues and confrontations. If you pay attention to your needs and give the other person space, that might help to reset the dynamic.

2. New relationships At some advanced stage, perhaps a couple of months into the relationship, as you feel comfortable and confident in the dynamic, Mirror their behaviour. However, beware of love-bombing. You can remain a step behind if things are going too fast. Pace the relationship.

Long term- If the other person starts to show up, when the situation has been a challenge, Mirror their behaviour.

If they are responsive, respond accordingly. If they take space, invest in yourself and your other relationships. Avoid the need to fix or rebuke or complain. Focus on parenting yourself.

3. New relationships and long term If there is tension in the relationship, or the other person is stepping back, you might feel the need to attack, move forward, solve or fix.

This is a trauma ( fixing) response. Be ok with uncertainty and step back. Detach and welcome this opportunity to do what you love.

To parent yourself and practice emotional self-control.

To SIFTSEM and create solutions that are in your best interest.

To strengthen your self-relationship.

To be with you.

To spend time with your immediate circle.

4. Express

The above does not mean you are confined to a life of silence and not expressing yourself.

Instead, this is about self-love and respecting yourself, and not being governed by the relationship conditions. This is you taking charge of your life, trusting and allowing the other person to step into their role.

In a new relationship, giving them space to step into helps you to observe their investment and especially too, their behaviour or character. This is important for long term healthy relationship.

In an existing dynamic, detaching helps to reset the dynamic. When things are back to normal, you can create rituals, and express how you feel in certain situations during your weekly conflict resolution hour.

When you also give someone the space , you allow them to choose whether they want to continue the relationship with you or not.

When they choose you, and come back, you will find it easy to express your needs, compared to when you are chasing and maybe pleading for attention.

The only you can be able to Mirror and match, or Detach and Express, is if you have tools for self-parenting. When situations arise in a relationship, or you enter a new relationship, this is the time to employ tools to show up self-regulated.

When you are a emotionally self-regulated partner, you can create healthy interactions with a partner. Healthy conversations lead to healthy relationships and a quality life.