They were planning to break up with you all along.

You might think that someone suddenly broke up with you, but that is rarely true, unless something terrible happens in that one moment they broke up with you. Otherwise, they have been planning it all along.

Here is how you gradually head for a break up.

Most of the time your relationship is gradually deteriorating on a daily basis. This might be due to some behaviours, attitudes and problems.

1. How you get into a relationship with someone can set you up for a breakup. For example, meeting in a bar and having drunken sex, then continuing to see each other briefly. You might not be on the same page and not knowing each other well enough.

Or meeting someone who is dating a friend, or another person can be your initial undoing.

2. You might wake up to a breakup and not understand what has caused it, when all was well last night. This might be because, you have not been tracking the currents of the relationship.

Recognise your dynamic. For example, each and every day you are arguing or disagreeing about something you are are setting yourself up for a breakup.

Each time a situation in your relationship is not resolved or addressed in a healthy way, you create a layer of discomfort that is leading you to a break up.

If you are constantly complaining about something in the relationship, criticising your partner, you are adding a layer of discomfort to your relationship.

Anytime you shout, beg or control or demand, you are adding another layer of discomfort.

3. If you take your partner for granted, it adds a layer of discomfort.

You might get comfortable, and forget you are with a stranger who is free to choose.

4. When you look down on other people;

When you believe yourself to be better than others, even if it is not your partner, you might find your partner or suitors pulling away. Another layer of discomfort added. Just because, you will also behave that way towards them.

With each layer of discomfort added to your relationship, your partner is taking a step back. Your partner gets turned off.

Your partner might start to pull away.

Your partner is mentally deciding whether this relationship is worth it or not.

Your partner is considering how this relationship or being with you is beneficial to their life and peace of mind.

One day, they might decide to release you. Or something happens, that is a final straw! And you sit there wondering what happened. Nothing happened, they were planning it all along. Everything you did was leading up to this moment.

This is because when people look for relationship they are not looking for a mother, or a jail, or unhappiness, or to be told what to do.

People look for a relationship hoping that being with you is going to enhance their life. That your presence will add more value to their already fulfilled life.

So when your behaviour is not enhancing their lives;

and when your presence is creating more problems than they had before they met you ;

or if being with you you is a nightmare ;

and it makes them unhappy,

then, for any healthy relating individual, or someone who has a sense of self, your behaviour is a trigger for them to back off.

People observe behaviour and recognise the amount of discomfort they have around you. You also need to do the same, and observe how fulfilled you are in a relationship.

So, before you get shocked by seemingly sudden break-ups, learn to mind how you get into relationships. If you have a challenge with alcohol, or lust, go out with an accountability friend who will take you home when you had enough to drink.

If you start dating, do not try to force outcomes. Work on negative attitudes and unhealthy behaviours that can turn off people you get into relationship with.

Learn to value the relationship you are in. To respect your partner.

To trust and allow a partner to do what is best.

Mind your attitude in your relationships.

Mind how you are showing up.

Heal your anxiety and recognise that it will not serve you in your relationships.

Focus your control tendencies on yourself and your life, to avoid self-sabotage.

Do not look down on a partner or take them for granted.

Do not show up as if you are better than your partner or other people. That is the fastest way to loose a person who cares for you.

Mind where you are taking the relationship. Recognise with each step, where you are likely to end up due to your behaviour and attitude.

Learn to apply role reversal is your relationship.

Before you take action, ask yourself how you would feel if roles were reversed with your partner.

Mind what you are giving your partner in the relationship, in the way you show up, or how you are contributing to their life. Always remember your partner owes you nothing. They can leave. You can wake up to a break up due to unconscious behaviours that push people away.