There can be good sex in bad relationships There can be good sex in bad relationships

When you love too much and your effort is not paying off, you might play up or or be dramatic to get his attention. Some women will threaten or attempt suicide,. Some will threaten to leave. Others will leave, then come back to get his attention. These are acts of manipulation.

You might do all these things because you feel worthless and unwanted. Deep down you know it does not feel right, and so you might attempt to leave. Then because you are attaching your worth to this person, you stay. Among the strategies you might use to make him stay is to to give him good sex. Some women believe men are all about sex.

You might do all the best you can to make sure the sex is the best to keep him.

You might be very sexually responsive. You do everything that he wants sexually. You find ways to perform all the sexual acts that you can imagine will make him happy.

You might accept being filmed. You might even give him his fantasies such as threesomes. You might look for someone to join you and to make sure that you do your best to make sure that he enjoys the sex.

You might get to a lot of trouble to make sure that sex happens. You might beg for it if you are not getting it. You believe that if you give him sex then he is going to love you more. However, you are more in touch with your partner's sexuality than your own which seems to make your partner responsive and give you gratification.

Due to your effort, every time he responds to you feels like victory.

You might abandon your other relationships and friendships when you narrow your focus to your obsession to make your lover happy.

You might pride yourself of being selfless and giving, yet you are abandoning yourself.

When you notice that you are doing or saying something that upset him, you might avoid the topic, stop yourself and find ways to keep him happy.

If you are seeing someone who is in a relationship and you give them your gift of sex, you might believe that you are making him happy, he is misunderstood, he is trapped in an unhappy relationship and you are what he has been waiting for all his life.

The signs are there

When you are asking him to spend more time with you, you believe that you are not asking for much. So you might feel as if his refusal to spend time with you is an indication of your worth. That you are not good enough.

So you persuade him, demand, request and force him and use children and sex as a means to get him to give you attention.

Because you believe that giving him sex will make sure that he stays around. You feel that if you tell him that the kids need him, he will come around.

Perhaps your demands and requests and manipulations lead to fights and misunderstandings. It is important to realise that these fights are the very reason that he does not want to spend time with you. He feels pressure and unhappy.

What to do instead

Stop everything you are doing.

Look into your childhood.

What kind of home where you raised in?

If you could not share love with your parents, because they were caught up in their own battles of will or addictions or ended up divorcing, then you might have grown up to believe you need to take your gift of love, also disguised as sex , somewhere else.

Perhaps your mum was angry and demanding, and so you became a devoted people pleaser to avoid being like her, because that did not help to keep your father's love.

When you devote yourself and it does not help, you might need to realise you need to make different choices.

What to do or not to do

Stop sleeping with men or people as a way to get love.

When your life begins to revolve around a man it is a red flag. Focus on yourself.

When you try to do everything to keep the relationship going, it is a red flag. Focus on yourself.

When you feel lonely without him, that is a red flag. Parent yourself.

When the relationship is only about sex, and you try all the sexual tactics in the book, it is not your sexuality you are expressing. You feel validated by your partner's sexual responsiveness to you.

Get in touch with yourself and your body. Pay attention to what you want. Your feelings underlie your behaviour. Be curious to find out what your feelings are. Underlying the feelings are unmet needs.

Get to the bottom of the root cause and manage it, not just the symptoms that is your behaviour.

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