The formulation of boundaries

One of the most challenging subject of the syllabus this year or in this life is boundaries.

Many of us have struggled to set boundaries on our three levels of love.

We might not have boundaries for ourselves and this in essence determines the state of our relationships. Whether our relationships are healthy or not, depends on boundaries we have for ourselves as individuals.

Contrary to belief, boundaries are not necessarily for others. They are for us to act with unconditional positive self-regard and enable emotional, physical, social and spiritual safety.

When we do not have boundaries, we end up enmeshed with others without understanding where we start and end.

This is because we do not have a standard in our lives for others and ourselves to adhere to. We do not have a filter for what to allow in our lives.

1. We give ourselves without consideration for wellbeing and safety, or whether our needs will be met or not.

2. We do not control our urges and consequently act out or over-indulge.

3. We do not respect ourselves and therefore punish ourselves psychologically and physically.

4. We try to earn love by allowing others unregulated access to us.

Lack of boundaries therefore does not provide others who are without boundaries, with guidance on how to do healthy relationships with us.

If we do not have boundaries our lives are characterised by constant chaos. We lash out, disrespect ourselves and fight wars we have no need to fight. We can bully others, manipulate or people please. We stay where it does not feel good and in spaces that do not allow us to thrive.

On the second level

We come into each other's lives with respect and anticipation. We are attracted and impressed by novelty. As soon as we are comfortable in the company of the other, we start to test boundaries. We start to practice the very entitlement our parents had, that led to this place where we are; trying to reset our lives to create healthy relationships.

On the second level, in our romantic and other relationships, we can struggle with toxicity due to lack of boundaries. It can feel challenging to lay down boundaries because of a sense of duty and sympathy for others. This duty is learnt from having to caretake and please the adults in our earlier young lives.

Boundaries are not necesarily to maintain independence foremost, but for safety, respect and autonomy. Boundaries allow us to safeguard ourselves and act in our best interest. They have nothing to do with being right. We can do something we do not want to do in act of boundaries so that we can keep ourselves physically, socially, emotionally and spiritually safe.

With boundaries, we are not one with a partner, we are very much individuals sharing the same vision and purpose.

Backlash against boundaries

On this second level, you are also prone to experience a backlash when you lay down boundaries.

There are people will protest against you because they are not doing something they need to do for themselves. They will betray themselves and blame you.

If you get into the habit of putting yourself out without consideration for your well-being, you will become a doormat. People might decide that if they need more done, you can do it. If you are volunteering to do something, people without boundaries will demand, direct, force or manipulate. They have suffered in their early life through no fault of their own, and want someone to put the blame on. You can become the easy target. Due to a lack of their own boundaries, they also try to push yours. These people are depleted to the point that they do not respect any form of love, support and assistance that is offered in their best interest. So, they might take advantage and come and go as they wish.

They will treat you with inconsistency, unpredictability and as undeserving, which leads you to suffer as much as they might be suffering. They will come and go as they wish. They will tell how you need to love them or support them even when it is not in their best interest.

If you allow them to get their way, you can end up betraying yourself.

People without boundaries

These people have no boundaries of their own, because anyone with boundaries respects the boundaries of others

People without boundaries will also show you how they have problems with your own boundaries, when they label you if they cannot successfully push back!

If people do not have boundaries their lives are characterised by constant chaos. They lash out, disrespect themselves, and fight wars they have no need to fight. They can bully others, manipulate or people please.

They might lie.

They stay where it does not feel good and the spaces are not in their best interest

When people lack boundaries, they might fear letting people go, but have no problems losing themselves in the process.

People who lack boundaries are prone to victim mentality. They might stand in the way of moving traffic to get insurance payout or sympathy. While blame is valid if it is addressed at the point of origin, you cannot suffer enough to make other people feel better.

People who lack boundaries enable unhealthy behaviours of others so that they look good to their close others.

They might play good cop bad cop in relationships.

People who do not respect the boundaries of others base their support on sympathy, not empathy. They forget in their entitlement that we owe each other nothing. Even with children who we owe, we need to formulate boundaries so that we all feel safe.

If you are in a toxic or unhealthy dynamic, you lack boundaries. You are putting yourself at risk by not acting with positive self-regard.

Empathy

If your relationships lack boundaries, you become enmeshed with people you relate to. The relationships become toxic and you lose your identity.

You might need to say no to yourself about what you are allowing and not allowing in your life. Act with positive self-regard by applying self-compassion.

Empathy, which encompasses compassion, requires boundaries or you become a codependent people pleaser or manipulator.

When you are empathetic, you not only access emotional currents of a situation, you also access your own emotions. This helps guide you to how might hold space in a situation, or how you might respond to a situation.

In this state of empathy, you apply boundaries to act in your best interest as you support another or respond to their challenge, or meet the needs of a partner.

Being kind in relationships is therefore not about putting yourself through the hoops and going out of your way, in a way that harms you. It means considering how much humanely possible you are in a position to do, in a given moment, while most importantly holding space for yourself.

Acting with unconditional positive self-regard therefore means self-empathy before considering the needs of others. "You cannot give from an empty cup" is an act of boundaries.

Observe behaviour, instead of advertising boundaries all the time.

It is therefore beneficial to observe people's behaviour as an indication of how they view your love and support. If you notice red flags in the way people respond, trigger boundaries and if appropriate, express your needs once.

You need to recognise when it might not be beneficial to talk to someone about something that matters to you which involves their role. If you do not notice changes, your boundaries mean that you tell yourself what matters to you and you take yourself out of the situation. Boundaries therefore are not necessarily about what you want others to do or not to do. Boundaries mean what you allow and do not allow in your life, which is in your best interest. Boundaries help you feel safe and achieve a state of peacefulness, order and balance.

You have the right to choose what is healthy for you. To feel safe in any space you get into and to enjoy life and not feel obliged to do anything in a way that suits other people. In your romantic and other relationships, hold your boundaries. They are the quickest way to healthy relationships.

Before an intervention, ask yourself these questions

Why am I taking this, doing this, going there, here? ? How is the situation or action in my best interest? What can I do differently?