The effects of loving too much on our relationships and parenting

When we love men too much, sometimes we have children for them hoping they can then stay with us for the sake of the baby.

When we are also in a stable relationship and have children, we let the men think that they gave us children, instead of understanding that we have children together.

This might show up in how men get home late, go to the bar, and do not stop to think about what the children are doing and whether they have done their homework. Such men simply automatically assign the woman the role of parent, while they are daddy, whatever that means.

Some men do not change a nappy. Others do not even know their child's favourite food or what their child likes to do in their spare time.

To them, it might feel like doing the woman a favour when they are left with children for 5 minutes when the mother goes to the toilet.

However, this cannot happen if women do not allow it.

To women who love too much, go to work and end up feeling like single parents; you might have unintentionally trained your man to think that he does not need to parent. You might have made him feel that he is the provider and you are the parent.

Even when you do not work, children need parenting from both human beings that co-created them. Even when you take the active role of being a stay at home parent, he is still a parent who needs to take his role seriously EVERY SINGLE DAY

Perhaps as you heal, look into changing this dynamic for your sake. As a likely stressed parent, knowing you do not get enough support from your partner can be unhealthy for you and the children.

The easiest way to approach this might be action rather than talking. Our fellow humans are action oriented. In fact , action works for everyone and minimises distress of trying to convince or fix.

What you can do if a man is not supporting you or parenting.

Try to have a dialogue around parenting. However, do not teach a man. Instead, sell the benefits. Express your intentions about having time to yourself so that you can be a healthy spouse. Also, mention that it would help the children to connect with dad. Children brought up by a stressed parent and an emotionally absent parent might learn to survive.

Arrange your me-time such as walks and gym. Create a self-care routine and arrange your me-time such as morning meditation, intention, affirmations, emotional regulation time out, catharsis, walks and gym.

Let your partner know that you will be going out for 3 or 4 hours to exercise and relax. Or for coffee with a friend. There might be push backs initially, but if you are grounded, firm and hold your boundary, he will learn to be a parent.

If you do not work, you could do this 2 days a week. Other days, you can take hour breaks while he spends the much needed quality time with the children.

If he offers to pay for childcare, remember both of you that , it is not a babysitters place to take the role of a busy parent. Yes, you can get help, but help does not mean you relinquish your duties and responsibilities.

If he is not easy to talk to, when he gets home from work, wear your running shoes, and let him know children will need to eat, to shower and to do homework. Get out of the house and spend time alone or with friends. In those moments, it helps not to do anything at all to help him know "how to", unless he asks. This prevents learned helplessness leading to dependence.

You also need to let him feel that you trust him to handle parenting, just as you trust him with everything else. He is an adult and he needs to learn. With time, he will manage. Some women will find it hard to leave young children with a spouse, because he will not know what to do. He needs to learn.

If you do not trust him with your children, you have no business being with him. If he not safe for children then you need to be honest with yourself about why you are with him.

Additionally, if you go out, and get back from your walk or coffee, let him know that you would feel supported if every other day he takes care of the children.

No accusations, demands or control. Simply expressing. Stand up for yourself and for the children. You are not asking for the impossible here. When people decide to have children, or perform acts that lead to the creation of children, they need to learn to take responsibility.

Children do not just need food, shelter and clothes. Children like any human being needs love with five love languages and five senses. They need emotionally present parents.