The dichotomy of control

This is a very Stoic concept and the underpinning theory leading towards arete!

If you want to live a peaceful and happy life, each time you have a question, a trigger or situation, do a SIFTSEM or objective evaluation of a situation, and identify root cause.

Draw a line in the air and divide the solutions into two. What is within your control?

What is outside your control.

Focus on things within your control. Your thoughts, emotional regulation, choices, words, decisions, opinions and actions.

Things outside your control include anything outside yourself. They include other people, buildings, the weather and the workings of your body.

Do not make yourself unhappy by trying to control externals.

Do not focus on what other people choose to do. You can observe how they show up, because that is information you need to take action from internal locus of control.

You can inspire, influence or ask questions.. However, just like you, others also have their internal locus of control. Others have the right to say no to you, to take their time, and to exclude you. You do that too to others.

If you are unhappy, it is because you are trying focus on external locus of control. This may show up as forcing outcomes, control behaviours, the need to be right, constant conflict, anxiety and depression.

When you are attached to outcomes you get into the space without allowing other people to do what they need to do. This comes from not trusting yourself, others and the process. The problem with not trusting others is that they will not stick around. If they do, toxic dynamics are created because, without trust, you become abusive in your desire to change them.

To learn detachment from outcomes

Own your experience

Regulate yourself.

Accept and let go of what is outside your control.

Focus on what you can control.

Change your perception towards situations.

Look for people or things who are gravitating towards you with ease.

Give people time , even if you have to separate for a period.

This takes practice, but daily practice is what you need. You can achieve peace of mind if you soothe your inner child, reframe the inner critic, create solutions, and then focus on the present moment.