The contest to be the good guy

Following a relationship break down, a contest might ensure, as to who is right or wrong. The contest might be about which one of you is better or worse. This comes from a need to be right in some cases, so you might want people to see you as the good guy. Alternatively, you might take all the blame due to self-doubt.

It can feel like there is so much relief in putting the blame of relationship failure on the doorstep of a partner. However, here are some points to reflect on if you are blaming the person you are with, or you were with. Or if you are blaming yourself.

When we are children, we might be exposed to injustices. Due to powerlessness, we have no choice, but to put up with the behaviours of our caregivers.

When we grow up, we begin to understand choice and freedom.

While our childhood adverse experiences may lead us to end up attaching in trauma bonded situations, we have no-one to hold accountable for our choices. We might assign blame, bit when it boils down to truth, we make many choices in our adult lives.

Even though we might have mother or father to blame for root cause, that still does not change the fact that we choose our partners. Only we , as individuals have to take charge and improve our relationship outcomes.

Before you blame a partner you live with , recognise that you are still choosing to stay with them, being aware of their unhealthy patterns.

Before you complain about their behaviour and point fingers about their dysfunctional behaviour, reflect on why you still stay put.

The point I am inviting you to reflect on is what you consider to be the difference between the two of you?

Why are they to blame, and you are not, yet you are still trying hard to change them, to have them speak to you?

Why are they to blame if you are sleeping with them? Why would you a healthy individual, continue to sleep with an unhealthy toxic individual?

Why are you to blame for everything that happened in the relationship. You were not alone. It takes two.

The bottom line here is, which one of you is a victim, and who is not?

We understand that in the end, someone will be viewed as worse than the other one depending on who is speaking and who is listening. One of you of course, might end up worse off if there is physical abuse involved.

However, the bottom line is that there is more to unpack in a toxic dynamic.

Your partner might also believe you to be the toxic person. They might even tell other people things about you that will make others sympathise with them.

They might also be aware of how much they contributed to the unhealthy dynamic. So, do not beat yourself up and lay all blame on you.

The important invitation is to avoid fixation on one of the many wrong choices you made. You drive down a wrong street, make a wrong turn or even have an accident when you drive while tired. The idea is to recognise that you are alive to learn from an ended or unhealthy relationship. To recognise that a relationship might have reached its end date for you to focus on other things and people.

The idea too, is to give up the competition, or the contest to be right. People do not really care on a deeper level. They might just nod along. Besides, even if they support either of you, the problem is yours to solve.

Learn to be radically honest with yourself. Ask yourself why you are or were the right fit.

Ask yourself why are you sticking around if they are unhealthy. Ask this question to understand yourself better, then seek help to work on yourself.

The fact that you stay around a person you call toxic is not their fault. You stay because of an unhealthy part of you that resonates with theirs.

Consequently you are two trauma victims creating a trauma bond.

The idea, and strategy is to understand yourself : Understand why you do what you do.

Understand what you can do differently.

It is hard to ask you to leave a trauma bond. This is why you need to reflect on your situation objectively, first. Seek support to help you to learn to love and appreciate yourself and practice self-compassion.

As you adjust the way you show up, and seek guidance within, through acts of self-love, you might begin to recognise that everything happens for a reason and that people are on loan. You might also learn that perhaps you were with the right person all along. However, you needed lessons to acknowledge and adjust your survival patterns to improve your relationship dynamic, or to let go of it.