Sex and emotional unavailability
- Memory
- Sep 14, 2021
- 4 min read
In difficult relationships where you love too much, it can be too good to be true when you are together. Then when he or she is not with you, you feel lonely. This is due to your overwhelming reliance on the relationship to make you happy. Additionally, you might have replaced sex with love. You use sex as a way to feel loved.
You are emotionally unavailable and unable to sustain an intimate relationship. You therefore gravitate towards people with a buffer that prevents intimacy. These are people who are emotionally unavailable and either live too far or are not willing to commit to you.
Sex
You might use sex in your relationships with intense effort to coax men away from their commitments, or their work and into your loving arms.
You might undress, talk men into loving you and be seductive to get attention , when they are not showing interest in you. You were conditioned to believe men are all about sex.
When you arouse a partner or a man enough to distract him from what he is doing, it is a win for you.This challenge can be stimulating, and each time you win his attention for the evening you feel validated.
If he does not get aroused, you feel devastated. You feel let down when a lover is unwilling especially to give you sex. This is because you might dress up and try hard to look good to so they give in.
You have a need for attention that sex can bring you so much relief, as it seems to bring you together.
You have no other way that you know how to get love and intimacy. You lure men for attention with the promise of your body in the hope you might get closeness.
You become more and more emotionally dependent on him while he might give you less and less.
You keep telling him how important he is to you , and he might just keep repeating how he is not ready. Or he tells you he cares yet he does nothing to show this.
What to do
You need to work on healing your need to give more love than you receive. Avoid giving from an already empty place inside you.
Look into your beliefs around sex and relationships. How did you discuss or learn about sex in childhood?
You have to acknowledge that you keep attracting men who have nothing to offer you. Men who do not want what you offer.
Work on reducing the desire to use your sexuality to create relationships with people who are not willing, or who are emotionally unavailable.
Instead of concluding that you are unlovable, evaluate the relationship as unrewarding.
Start with being single for a period of 3 months initially while you explore tools. You can keep evaluating.
Heal your inner child and learn self-love. Work on self-love and worthiness.
Start dating without sex. You can also talk to a few men initially until you pick one of them who is more compatible.
Rather than rush to sleep with men, go on dates and observe them. Be in the moment and notice if you like him, you think he is nice to you, and you are both having a good time.
Avoid focusing on whether lovers or dates like you by calling them out on the number of calls or texts. Observe their behaviour. If it is an impossible relationship, let it go early on.
Do not go on the market for pain and rejection. Aspire to meet someone who can be your close partner or to have no-one until then.
Seek comfort and commitment.
Notice when you are drawn to rejecting men due to your low tolerance for being truly intimate. You are used to negative traits and behaviour , pain and struggle, win and lose.
This comes with lack of intimacy in your childhood as you were growing up. Perhaps there was a lot of tension and pain and no real closeness and intimacy.
Stop giving without asking for anything in return. By asking, you do not need to beg for the obvious. It means choosing a reciprocal situation.
Learn to be comfortable in the company of lovers for whom you do nothing, instead of wanting men or partners you have to fix.
Avoid the excitement of trying to manoeuvre and manipulate, to keep a relationship going.
Avoid trying to work out how much a partner loves and needs you. Ask how much you care for him.
When you have sex let it not be about how you can get him to love you more, but how much you care enough to have sex with this person? Or whether you are enjoying yourself.
Avoid seduction to get your own way because it might feel good when it works, but worse when it does not. When you fail you might try even harder. This is because you need the validation that you are attractive after all.
Identify that you might confuse fear, pain and anxiety with love and sexual excitement. You might not likely be sexually attracted to a man with whom you are not struggling.
Also learn that, though you desire physical closeness, you also fear being overwhelmed by a partner, and by your own needs for being too caring. So you might be subconsciously comfortable with the emotional distance created and maintained by constant instability in the relationship.
When a man wants to be there for you, you might become suspicious, drive him away or run. This is because you might not be comfortable with a partner who considers your best interest. You need that kind of partner if you want a rewarding relationship. Heal your inner child toolkit is on Amazon
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