Relationships require work

No relationship is ready made. You work on it throughout its life cycle.

Sometimes we believe that we can get a microwave ready relationship. A relationship were everything is sorted. One which we can just put it in the cooker for a few minutes and then boom, it is ready and healthy, and long lasting.

Unfortunately that is not possible where human beings are concerned. That is even likely, and also not helpful for growth, which is what your relationship needs to be about.

If we want to get into a healthy relationship, we have got to be prepared to put in the work for the rest of life. We need to be healthy in ourselves first too.

It is important to recognise that you bring yourself into the relationship. You and your behaviours, your attitudes, your thoughts, feelings, choices and decisions.

For this reason it is also equally important to recognise that you are going to be with another person who is bringing their own inner stuff in the same categories into the relationship. However the way that they look at some parts of life is going to be entirely different from your way of looking at life. Or it could be a simple matter of having some differences, because everybody needs to have a sense of self and their own values. This is why you need to heal before you get into a relationship. You need to know yourself and your values. To learn to manage your own inner stuff. To learn to engage and communicate effectively by learning emotional intelligence, virtue, to develop a sense of self. You also need to recognise that a relationship needs to be sustained, just like a business. Sometimes people believe that as soon as they have met someone and they found someone, that is it. You are a work in progress as is your partner. Your relationship is also a work in progress. If you do not tend to the work, then progress stalls and things might not progress effectively. Your relationship, just like a business can end too. Make peace with the impermanence of things and learn acceptance and letting go. With this attitude, you are likely to enjoy your relationship without expectations that another person owes you anything. With an mindset that focuses on the present, it is likely that you can create lasting relationships.

Avoid the habit of looking for perfect people or people who are securely attached, instead of working on your own attachment style.

There is no one out there who owes you secure attachment. There is no one out there who is responsible for parenting you and making things easy for you in life. It is your adult self who needs to take charge.

There is something called the "fallacy of fairness" and if you learn about it, you will recognise that nobody is out to get you or rescue you. You need to learn to make decisions in your best interest. A partner does what they do from a place of how they feel in themselves.

Do not put your happiness in the hands of anybody. Your happiness, joy, satisfaction or contentment is a subjective feelings about you. For this reason nobody is going to be able to make you happy or to bring you happiness.

Do not look for romance to fill the gaps or make you happy. Look for someone to share your joy. Bring your own joy in your relationships.

Take responsibility for your life and bring your prepared, ready and healing self into the dynamic.

Recognise that you are getting into an adult relationship. And you need to be responsible in that the situation. Do not put your life in the hands of another individual.

Do not burden another human being to take responsibility for you. If you want to choose an adult relationship act and behave like an adult. Understand what that entails and learn what is required to be a better partner.

Take the time to be single while you are learning and preparing for the role. Or , make time for self development in your relationship.

Learn self-management tools and relationship management skills and bring them into the relationship. You are going to be needing them each and every day.

You need them for life and any relationship everywhere.

Invest in yourself and learn about yourself more. Commit to yourself, to improve and strengthen your self relationship

Invest in other relationships , such as friendships, family, parenting, colleagues. Practice in these relationships so that when you start a romantic relationship you are ready.

In a relationship, introduce rituals, routines, to adhere to. Have your own life, interests and friends to avoid clinging onto a relationship to save your life. Avoid stagnation, you are with a stranger, even you are constantly expanding. Welcome change.

Create space to allow your relationship to unfold and expand. Constantly look into areas of growth, just like you do with a business or at work.

Heal for your relationships.