Relationship and addictions
- Memory
- Jan 21, 2022
- 3 min read
Relationship with someone with substance/acohol addiction
Whether you have addictions, or are in a relationship with someone with addictions, look into root cause.
Gabor Mate teaches us that it is not the addiction, but the pain that we need to enquire about. People become addicts to manage their pain.
If your partner has addictions, recognise that you can only support or leave. The healing is their choice.
If you have addictions, recognise that only you can save yourself. Your partner needs not suffer because you are in pain. Think about your children, and how this affects your life in general too. Seek support.
You can learn to sit with your emotions using SIFTSEM. Our emotions direct us to where our focus needs to be.We are supposed to consciously apply feelings to make decisions. If we cannot feel our emotions, we cannot make informed decisions.
Substances mask emotions, which results in an inability make informed decisions in our best interest. Or resulting in making decisions by default. This is for people who might be in a relationship with a partner who has alcohol or substance addiction.
Perhaps you are struggling to make them stop, to have get into rehabilitation or to seek help.
Recognise that ou cannot try to change someone with addictions unless they recognise consequences.
When you are questioning why someone chose addiction over a relationship with you, it helps to be aware of childhood trauma. The truth is not necessarily that your partner is choosing a life of drugs. Your partner or ex is trying to cope with their pain. Addiction is a symptom of childhood trauma or trauma at some point in life. As Gabor Mate said, " Why the pain, not why the addiction?" It is important to ask yourself some tough questions if you are in this situation. Make a compassionate enquiry, not being harsh on yourself. Root cause Consider why you are in this relationship. What traumas have led you to this right fit? Look into how and why you are concerned or whether you are trying to to find a way to fix. First level
Put yourself first. You are of no use to anyone if you are not looking after yourself.
Avoid saviour persona. Practice the Dichotomy of control..
The way forward is acceptance of what is happening, and to focus on self-care. Decide whether you want to stay or go. If you stay, it is helpful to recognise the consequences of being in a relationship with a person with addictions. It is important that you accept this person as they are, with that awareness. It is important to avoid being on their case. Impact of substance and alcohol abuse Violence, financial stresses, getting into trouble with the law, being called out to an emergency in the middle of the night or while at work, arguments, or being influenced to follow same lifestyle. Trauma on the children and yourself. You are going to be likely competing for attention with their substance of choice, if you are fortunate to have a moment. Join Al-anon because you might need support even if you leave. Heal your inner child and connect with the essence of who you are. If you leave, grieve the loss and let go. Get support in therapy or counselling or co-parenting. Second level Trust and allow that this person knows what is best for them. That this person is choosing. Unless they want support, it is not going to help you to try and convince them to get help. You will frustrate yourself and make yourself ill. People only make changes when they recognise the consequences of their behaviour.. If you manage to make a choice to leave, well done you. These are challenging situations. You can have compassion for them and still let them go. You can love them from a distance. Above all, have compassion for yourself. You owe nobody.
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