Reconnecting with an ex

A reconnection requires reflection.

Initially, your ex might reach out via text. If they are vague and not asking for a reconnection, or sending bread crumbs, emoji, funny videos, it is a good idea to ignore. Sometimes people are curious about your silence , when you go no contact.

If they openly suggest a reconnection, Consider these questions.

Consider what led to the break up. What has changed? Why would you want them back? Is it in your best interest?

If you feel that there is a chance that something will work out, you can let them know, " Thank you for your message. This is something that requires a face to face conversation. Let me know what you think!"

Do not start texting back and forth as if you are in a relationship. Maintain your boundaries until you chat. You are not together yet.

Let them plan a date, and only accept a public date. Keep it short. Say, 2 to 3 hours maximum and set a timer. Or you could go there with plans to go somewhere else after that so that you do not overstay.

Meet them and ask them what has changed from the previous relationship. In other words enquire about what has changed from what led to the break up.

Let them know what you are looking for, not from them.

For example, if they cheated. " I am looking for a committed relationship, with someone who is able to resolve conflict and not go outside the relationship to resolve problems!"

Next ask what they are looking for. Just because you were in a relationship, it does not mean you are still on the same page. Some people might want you for a different relationship this time. This prevents unwanted friends with benefits situations.

If your ex feels you are desperate for them, they might feel that they can decide what they want and get it with you.

Do not give them an answer straight away. Go away and weigh your options. Sit down and write down what you feel about reconnecting.

If you decide to reconnect, start a new relationship from scratch. It is a new relationship. A lot has happened in between that led to breaking up. That needs addressing with observations and detaching

Date like new people who have just met.

Keep sex out of it for a little while, and slow the relationship down. If you want things to work agree a slow pace.

Learn love languages, attachment styles and conflict resolution.

Introduce date nights, conflict resolution hour weekly, appreciation, space and a code word to stop conflict escalation.

Observe behaviour and how you are both showing up. Work on yourself. You have your contribution too. Your traumas brought you together with this person in the first place.

If you can attend couple or individual counselling, that can help. Avoid fixing. Invest in and focus on yourself. Heal your inner child and learn self-love. Learn emotional intelligence with conflict resolution skills.

The success of a reconnection largely depends on whether you are both willing to work on your individual selves and improve self-relationships first.

This toolkit is a coach in a book The break up tool kit : Your break up programme, emotional healing tools , ex-back reconnection tools and break up inspiration. (Friends Abroad Relationship ... series -Quality life before relationship!) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08P2THR6V/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_9HR0F40472B6PM9ZVCN5