Projected anger

We might have valid anger from our trauma and conditioning. The only point of awareness is to recognise that while we do feel angry, who and what we direct the anger at is key. Difficulties to regulate our anger can be accompanied with bleeding on people who have nothing to do with our unresolved issues. For this reason, we benefit from healing, because it is in our best interest to create healthy relationships.

Most of the time the reason why we are angry at people for not being kind enough, not doing this, that or the other is because we might not be able to do this and that or be kind enough to ourselves.

Being upset at others can be a form of distraction. It can give us an opportunity to avoid ourselves. Blame feels good, and if we can find that one person , to direct our discontent at, it does feel good sometimes, albeit for a limited period.

It also serves to make us feel like we are good people, and others are not. Even when we label another person, it is only so that to anyone else we are the victim. Victims are vulnerable.

The lesson and bottom line is : No matter how angry, upset or triggered you are at your caregivers or at someone, the problem remains your problem most of the time.

This is your experience. We might all agree that there is another party involved, but they choose whether to be affected by the accusations or not. And this is where it gets tough. We cannot make people feel what they do not feel if they are not choosing to feel it.

As we heal, we can recognise this about others; People might not be aware. They might not understand where you are coming from.

You might waste time trying to convince them to change. Instead of convincing yourself to parent yourself to adopt a different perspective and move on.

If you recognise that your anger is leading to pushing for others to change, or focusing on those who are not changing, it is an indication of your challenge or inability to manage your trigger.

Focusing on other people is a waste of time. They are dancing to their own tune. Your second level can validate you, hold space, support you and walk with you. However, the solution lies in your decision to own your experience and then take the steps to let go.

This is the reason for tools. Tools to own your experience, to ask yourself why this is so triggering for you and to move on without validation or an apology. Because people will only choose to see whether they feel like taking responsibility, or they decide that they were protecting themselves.

People know their motive most of the time. Sometimes it is our interpretation of their intention. Still, they could acknowledge what they have done. Yet, they are not under any obligation to make us feel a certain way.

As parents, we have an obligation to our young children, without a doubt. As adults, we choose.

In an act of self-compassion or self-kindness you might need to parent and soothe yourself if you feel triggered. Because then, if someone apologises, that is a bonus.

Remember too, a forced apology is pointless. If you have to ask for an apology, it is no longer an apology.

A demanded apology can be really challenging to give and accept wholeheartedly.

Requesting someone to see their blind spot repeatedly can be an indication of control. Control tendencies are around when we cannot parent and control ourselves. We try to change externals so that we feel good in ourselves from changes others make. The truth is that is impossible. People change when they want to.

The problem with anything we induce people to own or take responsibility for, does not come from a place of choice. If people do something out of duty, they might not do it so well. They might not do it wholeheartedly.

So, if you are angry about something, recognise where it is coming from, why your anger is here and what you can do about it.