Practical tips to heal a trauma bond
- Memory
- Mar 15, 2022
- 3 min read
As with anything you need to tackle in life, explore root cause.
Ask yourself these questions;
"Why am I here?" Or, "How did I end up here?" Look back to childhood. "What kind of parents raised you?"
You could also look into the parents who raised your trauma mate. We look for the right fit in relationships. How were you loved as a child? How did you attach to your parents. How was love given and received in your family, and between you and your parents? How were you disciplined? In our trauma bonds, we might have the exact same patterns from childhood.
Robin Norwood taught us that we look for someone in whom to correct the wrongs of our parents.
However, we are not doomed to live with these patterns. Solutions
1. Set an intention to change. Decide that how you were raised and how you are doing relationships is not a healthy way to live your life. 2. Having had the same patterns all your life, recognise that it might be a challenge to change on your own. 3. Seek help and accountability. There are support groups out there to help you if you can not afford therapy and counselling. Coda.org Friends abroad- Relationship School for women on a life mission on Facebook has resources for trauma, healing and relationship strategy.
For men, Men on board! A journey to authenticity on Facebook. 3. Explore grounding tools to tune in to your emotions and use them to create solutions. Love on three levels will guide you to apply self-care, to learn self-parenting tools to avoid retraumatising yourself during inner child work.
Trauma and its bonds originate from denial of emotions or bypassing, in order to survive in an environment that invalidates them.
SIFTSEM tool is available on Amazon and it has a guided journal to help you to tune into your emotions, create solutions and evaluate and change behaviour. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_B6YYHETJXQ337TY8ZA05 4. Heal the inner child once you have grounding tools. Your inner child is the wounded part of you that subconsciously propel you towards the familiar unhelpful patterns. These patterns helped you survive to survive as a child, but cannot help you thrive as an adult. You need a co-parent to help you with inner child healing. This is because accountability and support are key to change long standing patterns. Toolkit
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life!
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_3S1HEVTKZRJQ9QRBCBMP 5. Recognise your contribution to the trauma bond and remove it. If you remove your contribution, you erase the bond.
That means, change behaviour intentionally and gradually. As you practice self-care daily, you identify what is best for you and in your best interest. You can gradually learn to detach and trust yourself to make decisions that serve you.
It might be hard to start with, and you might feel like doing something, but with time, you will feel at peace when you detach.
Sometimes when you detach, things can improve. Sometimes that means the end of the relationship, because your partner no longer has a trauma mate and still needing one, they abandon ship in search of another candidate. 6. Learn virtue. The challenge you might have is what to do when you detach. Human beings need a replacement for habits people or things. The dichotomy of control helps you to identify and focus on what is your responsibility.
Accept what happens.
Focus on what is in your control.
Take responsibility for your life.
Learn about the impermanence of things. People are on loan and so relationships have end by dates.
Nurture and parent yourself instead of focusing on another person.
Allow your partner to choose.
Apply the same freedom in your own life where it belongs.
Your life is not stopping. Choose to have a healthy and enjoyable life. 7. Let go
Accept endings to allow new beginnings. Endings of behaviour, attitudes and people. Prioritise peace of mind and avoid self-sacrifices and self betrayal through fixing and trying to change other people. Also recognise that your children are relying on you to do relationships in a healthy way.
8. As and when the the relationship stabilises, create relationship rituals and routines to do conscious relationship. These include
Date night.
Weekly conflict resolution hour.
Love languages and appreciation.
Finally, it is helpful to recognise that the stress of an unhealthy relationship can harm your physical and mental health now and in future. Love yourself enough to recognise you deserve a quality life which includes quality relationships
. When you become the one for you, you do not attach to outcomes. You do not stay in situations that are unhealthy. You do not hold anyone responsible for your happiness. You let go of people and things who and that are no longer serving you.
When you are at this stage, you look for a situation, not a person.
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