On and off relationships

#selfhealersdiaries

When you are in a back and forth situation with an ex

You would not work in a job where they fire you today, then ask you back tomorrow and repeat. Or they do not pay you, and you keep going there for years. Then, you do not have to do that in relationships either.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are going back and forth with your ex, or in an on and off relationship, this is due to a lack of boundaries.

On and off relationships are a sign that you are coming back to an unchanged , hoping for miracles. You are not changing behaviours, attitudes, mindsets.

It is like being fired from a job for incompetence, then being re-hired without training and support

The first step is to find out why you are on this rollercoaster instead. Perhaps you are wondering why this person is behaving this way. The point is to ask yourself why you are there. How this situation found you.

1. Explore what exactly you want in life and relationships. With boundaries you stick to your values and avoid self-betrayal.

One of the most challenging steps we need to take in life, is to try to understand ourselves in relationship to people in our lives, when their behaviour lacks clarity.

2. Our behaviours are learned from childhood and conditioning. Look into the type of parents who raised you and how you were loved and disciplined.

Recognise that unless you have explored healing work, you might be looking for replicas of your parents.

3. Learn to treat yourself with love and kindness.

To act in your best interest.

To choose situations that feel good.

4. Start with sitting with the discomfort and pain of your negative emotions when someone treats you unkindly. Parent yourself to get used to a loving mother and make decisions that serve you.

5. When you get used to treating yourself well.

To detach when you feel overwhelmed.

To Soothe while parenting yourself.

To make decisions that are in your best interest, you will recognise and experience the sweetness of treating yourself well.

When you are uses to comfort, to feeling good, to be in healthy situations, you do not accept anything that does not serve you.

You parent yourself when you notice red flags and remind yourself that you want different. That you are used to life giving situations.

That your wellbeing matters more than being with this person.

You heal yourself and release what no longer serves you.

Blocking people sometimes is self-care.

Recognising what is unhealthy is self-care.

Choosing where you are treated with kindness is self-care.

Choosing relationships with consistency is self-care.

Not attaching your worthiness to a person or relationship is self-care.

Not attaching to outcomes is self-care.

6. Learn to say no and mean it.

Learn to take mixed signals as a no. You do not need the confusion.

Whatever they are going through, avoid turning yourself into a rehabilitation centre. You have your traumas. Look after yourself.

By accepting or allowing on and off relationships, you are setting an example to the person you are dating.

You are demonstrating porous boundaries.

You are giving then the go ahead to come and go as they wish.

This can be an indicator of scarcity mindset, where you believe there is nobody else for you but them.

Or because you are not used to being with genuine and committed love.

But it is not too late. At any age you can replace your programmes. You can start to do things differently, to feel differently, develop a different attitude and behave differently. You deserve genuine and healthy love. Not chaos.