On and off relationships

On and off relationships are due to a lack of boundaries

When you are constantly breaking up and getting back together, it is because you might not know how to adhere to your standards.You also might not have any standards. Clearly, you are both struggling with lack of self-awareness.

You are basically going back to what you left, doing the same things you were doing, and recreating the same patterns that were not helping.

This is an act of addiction to chaos. Self-betrayal as a way of life..

When you know who you are, you also know what you want. Additionally, you know how to go for it, because you know how to make decisions in your best interest. You do not have to accept what does not serve you, then proceed start a job to fix.

If you know what you want, you are able to take action that demonstrates unconditional positive self-regard.

If you have standards, one of you would say, " What do we need to do to stop this pattern!"

So, here is how to fix habitual on and off relationships.

In a nutshell, "Know and adhere to your values."

How?

1. Heal your inner child to fix your addiction to chaos.

2. Learn emotional intelligence, to know who you are, what you do, why you do it, regulate yourself and learn to act from a place of compassion for self and others.

3. Learn to love yourself and identify or set a standard by which you are loved. When you have a standard of self-love, you will be able to stop yourself from taking any action that is not in your best interest.

4. When you break up with someone, no contact is the first step, followed by intentionally healing emotions.

5. When you take space during no contact, learn to explore why you broke up. You have your side of things to work on. Do not ignore your work.

6. Ideally, if someone broke up with you, your best bet is to let them initiate a reconnection. If you have not begged, controlled, demanded or been aggressive, there are chances that your ex can come back.

7. The crucial step is to set boundaries for yourself, in order to avoid going backwards and forwards.

Before you reconnect it is important to ask yourself what you want. Is this the right relationship for you? Why? SIFTSEM.. What is it that you are going back to? What has changed in you and them? Focus especially on what was not working.

Has that changed?

That might be the same reason for the break up. How do you know that you have both changed?

Space

You first of all ask for space to reflect on what action you need to take before reconnecting. Sit down and write down pros and cons of reconnecting.

Do not rush back because your ex came back. That is not a good reason to go back.

Learn self-control and be OK with not being OK or with discomfort. You start with no contact which is not comfortable, in order to get used to be away from your ex.

Put importance in long term gain, short term pain. Give yourself a timeline away from your on and off relationship to heal. Adhere to that timeline.

Strengthen your self-relationship.

This will help you create something lasting this time. You need to let go of impulsive and "I want it now " attitude which is a childlike response. As you learn to adult, you need to be OK with letting go, taking time and waiting for what serves you, while you serve yourself

That is a useful boundary.

When you know what you are going back to, you can start relationship slow and from scratch. Start with dates. Continue to live apart and observe behaviour. Hold off sex for a period until you know you are on the same page.

If the relationship is not working, or it is volatile and full of red flags, you need to activate your boundaries and refer to what you want.

If all is well, you can move in together again after a period of 3 to six months. There is no rush if you intend to build something lasting. Continue to maintain boundaries.