Let go of managing and controlling a partner

Let go of managing and controlling a partner

Avoid helping him or giving him unsolicited advice. Whether it is to help him to get a job, accommodation or healing.

Let him take responsibility for his life. If things go wrong with your help, he blames you because you have made yourself in charge of his welfare.

If you get him help without his motivation, he is not likely to hold on to follow through. He did not make the decision of his own free will.

Minimise overly encouraging, but apply support when he is doing what he loves.

When you praise him, make sure it is for specific actions where it is deserved. Appreciation works better for all of us. Too much unwarranted praise can be a burden for him.

Focus on yourself and detach. Less attention to his behaviour. More to your self-care and how you are showing up.

When you start detaching, he might start acting up or being dramatic to get your attention. He might accuse you of being uncaring. He is used to you doing everything for him, so he panics.

You might feel responsible for him as you have always done, which keeps you hooked on to being needed.

He might fight , make promises or try to reconnect after a break up. But remember his war is within, not with you.

When you detach, his problems become his own. He becomes responsible for his life, and that might be hard for him for starters.

It is not your job to save him. Allow him to deal with the consequences of his behaviour.

Care for him without taking care of him. Allow him the freedom to find his own path as you find yours.

Ask yourself what happens if you do nothing?

Whether he is not stepping up, or not fixing his unmanageable life, understand that you need to trust him to be grown up enough to handle his life as he wants it.

Do not be afraid of what might happen if you do nothing, or when you change your behaviour. Your job is to parent yourself and take care of your need to be needed.

Learn to practice self-care and SIFTSEM when you feel like jumping into action. Parent and soothe yourself with five love languages and five senses, reframes and solutions.

Let go. Manage and shift the sensation of being out of control of yourself. Avoid trying to control others.

Replace what you want to do for him with doing that for yourself. Invest in your recovery and self-care.

Do not put your happiness in him or in his improved behaviour. His behaviour may never change.

Focusing on changing others over whom you have no power takes focus away from you. It causes a disconnect in yourself.

Whilst it is easy to focus on others, it is also helpful to recognise that you will not be able to exert your will on them and change them. The frustration will make you unhappy. Equally, you might not pay attention to your own life and interests, as you invest energy in another independent human.

You will lose your sanity trying to control others. You have obviously tried and it has not worked. You have talked, threatened, demanded and even used violence. It does not work. People change on their own choosing, and when they are ready.

Each time your attempts do not give you desired outcomes to change him, your self-esteem dips. Your anxiety worsens and you feel helpless and resentful.

Let him choose.

He is a grown man.

He will resist your pressure.

With forced change, he will go back to his ways after a while.

Start looking after yourself and let go of his problems or his shortcomings.

One of two things will happen;

1. He will get into the space and step up to where you are.

2. You will recognise that you are no longer the right fit, and he will fade into the background.