Learning to parent differently

Children are a wonderful source of triggers. However, your parenting requires that you have an awareness of your trauma which will affect how you parent. Despite your trauma, if you have decided to have or look after children, as the adult you have a responsibility to lead by example. You need tools to recognise their emotional currents and your own. If you look after other people's children, that means there is trauma already, so they might continue to self-sabotage. These children such as fostered children have no confidence that anyone is going to accept them. They have learnt self protective mechanisms that are likely to have them moved from place ro place. They lack trust and do not believe anyone wants them. However, you could make a difference to them through the changes you make in your own life. Same as your own children who might be struggling because of your stresses. While we can easily spank a child or shout or lose it, when this is done to us, it is abuse. Yes, children need our guidance. However, unless we are grounded, our guidance can be a reaction between two kids. I kid you not! You need to recognise why you do what you do. You need in every moment to be conscious of your every move. Recognise your pre-triggers and situations that can exacerbate your triggers. Recognise conditions that can worsen the impact of your triggers. Children rely on us to learn life and relationships. To learn love and patience. They act out from trauma. Unless we parent ourselves before we parent children, there will be a tale of 2 children in the playground; our inner child and and your child. Think about it. One of you needs to be the adult. Who is that going to be? There is a process you can follow if you would like to make changes. Start to change within. 1. Self-care Start a routine of Self-care, morning, afternoon and night. Nurture and give to yourself first before anyone. Before you do anything in the morning, gratitude, meditation, affirmations, self-hugs, deep breathing, Carthartic shake and set an intention. Throughout the day, mindfulness, segment intending, exercise, healthy eating and boundaries. SIFTSEM to regulate emotions and use them to create solutions. Learn to detach and explore healthy ways to approach children and a partner. Bedtime reflection Praise yourself. Sleep well to minimise triggers. If you are tired and overwhelmed, learn to explain how you feel kindly to your children and take a break. 2. Learn to intentionally change behaviour to do things differently. You might require accountability and support. 3. Explore how you communicate and learn to parent yourself before you engage with children if there are issues. 4. So, detach if you are still learning to ground.You benefit from giving them space and then going back to express a boundary. Go to your room and be your mother and give yourself a hug, affirmations, and some praise. Do a carthartic jog and release tension. 5. Plan how you can express yourself. When everyone is calm, start with an apology sometimes, if you lost it. Then use appreciation for what they do well. You could even start by praising and leave things for now. Then go back to the situation much later. 6. Learn to negotiate with children. However, recognise that changes take time. Adhere to your boundaries, while holding space for them to adjust. Lead by examples. Do not hold your children to a standard you cannot hold yourself to. Words do not teach. Children copy behaviour. 7. Love children with five love languages and five senses. Use compliments. Hug them. Spend quality time with them. Do not use money or expensive stuff to impress them. Speak with respect.They are human beings like you. 8. Ask them about their day. Let the children know that you understand how hard things can be and you also have bad days. 9. Ask them how they want to do certain things. Negotiate and create solutions together. Give them choices and consequences. 10. If they push back, continue to give space, for a while. You could use single statements to express a requirement and leave it at that. 11. Do not get into word wars or physical fights with children. 12. Avoid hitting or spanking. That is just putting children through pain. 13. If you want to replay how you look when you are reacting at a child, start to record your parenting, maybe for a week only. You might learn something. Your children are your practice ground for life, boundaries and healthy relationships. Remember, children grow really quickly. Try to change the way you parent to avoid alienating your children, and later life regret.

Tips to improve your parenting

Do you ever sit down and have conversation with your children?

Not telling them off or teaching them something?

Not talking about your ex, their other parent or complaining about your problems?

Not telling them how hard it was for you, or how you were raised in a better way.

Normalise having relaxed conversation and chatting and laughing with your children.

Normalise apologising to your children.

Normslise sharing stories and jokes with your children?

Normalise asking your children questions about their day.

Normalise asking your children how they could have handled their difficulties differently.

Normalise holding space for your children, but also teaching them to reflect on gratitude, respecting others and learning from situations.

Let your children grow up to see the human in you, not the teacher or instructor in you.

Especially not the monster in you.

Children grow quickly. Let them not grow up to be the adults like us who are trying to heal from unhealthy generational patterns. Let them not grow up fearing you, and then hating you when they are grown ups.

Children do not need to behave to be loved.

They can be guided with love if they are misbehaving.

No, you are not perfect. You do not need to be. No, you cannot change what you did with older children. Yes, you can still improve your parenting even now. Your past does not have to determine how you do your future. SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers.The SIFTSEM Journal: The self-healer`s diary to develop emotional awareness and self-management in 90 days. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09CRNQDML/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_AEX4XC73SWVFXY4BCSTW