Know your intention?

Whatever you do in life you need to know what your intention is. Many times we have strong feelings or desires to do or have something. But that does not mean we need to act on those feelings. We might believe that because we have a feeling, we ought to do something about it. Yes, we do need to do something about it, but it does not mean we need to do what we think or feel we need to do. We need to remember there is a cognitive distortion called emotional reasoning. Because you feel something it does not make it true. Even when what we believe is true, it does not translate into taking action from how we think and feel about it in the moment. An example where you need to explore your intention is when you have broken up with someone, and find out some things they did while in a relationship with you. Perhaps you find out that this person cheated on you when you were in a relationship. Or that this person lied about something while you were in a relationship with them. Perhaps you feel strongly that you need to confront them and say something to them about their behaviour. Yet it is very important that you explore your intentions. What are you trying to achieve from confronting them or from talking to them? Perhaps you are no contact and because of what you have found out, you then violate your boundaries of no-contact just to talk to a person who is no longer with you. That is an act of self-betrayal. Remember, Nobody, except you owes you anything. Less so an ex who is no longer a part of your life. In these instances it is important that you realise the person you need to confront is yourself. To ask yourself why it matters what anyone did when you are no longer together. Even when you are together, choose your battles wisely, and apply the dichotomy of control. Consider why you might be looking for information about someone who you broke up with? Sometimes, yes people might tell you stories about your ex. Yet it is also important that you create boundaries around what you allow so that you can heal. The only time people might keep telling you about your ex is when you give them the audience to communicate with you about this. Where people realise that you are not entertaining such stories, they will not keep coming to tell you about past relationship partners. Wanting to confront an ex might be an indicator to you of the work you need to explore, to learn to manage yourself. It is their job to recognise their self-betrayal and change their behaviour. Confronting your ex might come from a place of trying to convince, or to make someone feel how you feel.

Wanting them to know, might mean to want them to change, which is not going to improve your own life. Your ex chose. You broke up. Move forward and heal. Perhaps it is worth exploring how you might be more attuned in future so that you do not miss the signs of such betrayal. Sometimes, in our desire to make the relationship work, we miss or ignore red flags. Learn your lessons and be happy they are an ex. Use the SIFTSEM Journal to help you to address challenging thoughts and emotions. Yes, it hurts, and yes the feelings are there. The idea is to recognise that you do not have to act on the feelings. You need to parent yourself and soothe yourself, and invest in other relationships close to you. Explore role reversal and thought replacement. Look into investing more in your interests. The SIFTSEM Journal: The self-healer`s diary to develop emotional awareness and self-management in 90 days. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09CRNQDML/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_RQMY3YSEYSJDP6N92W0P