Know what you want in relationships

One important thing in life is to know what you want and not let anyone spell it out for you.

If someone is not sure about what they want, you do not need to wait for them to decide. Give them all the space in the world away from you, to make up their mind about what is best for them.

If you believe someone ghosted you, do not wait around for them. Heal and keep dating.

If they are now coming back and you are not convinced of their intentions, rather than twist and turn with discomfort, ignore and block. You are allowed to let people go.

Do not allow yourself to pulled into people's confusion. You can end up on rollercoasters.

If this person comes back, and you are still single and curious, initially, avoid assumption that they are talking to you because they want to reconnect.

Be curious instead of texting back and forth.

Find put what has changed and how you can help, if you decide to respond.

If they wish to reconnect, ask for a phone conversation.

Ideally, in a phone call, you could find out what they are now looking for, what has changed and what they want. Keep it short. Let them know that you are open to discussing in person.

If they do not want a conversation, let go. Do not get into something that is not clarified.

If you plan a conversation, give their proposal some thought.Do not be guided by what they want. Make your own informed decision from how they showed or even show up now.

Consider how healthy this sounds and how you feel that they have changed. Some reconnections are not worth the paper they are written on.

Sit down and write down what you feel about the situation in a SIFTSEM.

Compare notes between what was positive and not positive about this relationship/situation.

Write down your plan of action, if the relationship is to proceed. You obviously do not want to go back to the same uncertainty.

Ask to meet in person.

Real reconnections are done in person, with a plan.

Do not do or conclude an important conversation on text. Do not accept pressure to make a decision promptly. That is a red flag.

Allow them to arrange the date and meet them with with a list of your relationship requirements.

"I am looking for a committed relationship with someone who is consistent and openly communicates."

If they are vague or not looking for same, let go.

If you agree to move forward, minimise textual communication.

Start dating from scratch while you monitor behaviour.

Less texts, a phone call here and there and more in person dates.

Slow things right down to create space for assessment. Some people who are coming back will go at 100 mph to try to distract you from their previous behaviour, or to rush you to bed. Detachment helps you to think clearly.

Let this decision to go back be your own decision. Do not go back because they want you back. Go back because you are single and feel that the relationship might be in the interest of both parties.