Keeping up appearances and the resulting outcomes in relationships

Keeping up appearances and loving too much

When you keep up appearances on the outside, it is not possible to show anyone what is going on inside. This comes with hiding what is going on at home, while putting on a show in public. It is very subconscious. You do not even know yourself.

Why it happens

Some children start taking responsibility early in life, even running for office at school. It feels great . These children can be prefects, captains, homecoming queens.

These children might also come from financially well off families, with all they want in life seemingly. However , sometimes parents fight and perhaps the mother or father compares their spouse with children or friends. Or there is some form of betrayal going on. Some things children might not know, such as a father being alcoholic or beating up the mother.

Children might be placed in the middle of this war. One parent might ask children for advice or complain about the other parent. Children might be forced to take sides through influence. Children do not need to be asked to take that responsibility, to choose which one of their parents is better than the other.

In adulthood, such children can end up choosing partners with problems. They even subconsciously choose partners with qualities of their parents they did not know about. These adults will not be bothered about a partner's problem. They believe they can handle it.

As women, they might even arrange the date, or approach the man. They might be drawn to a man who is not stepping up to date them. Before the man says anything that they tell him they want to date him. The woman makes sure to approach him and make it happen so that she does not lose him. She might make excuses and claim that he is shy.

The man might have his own family problems and might be distracted. The womam will try to make up for the attention he does not get at home.

He might be inconsistent because he was not invested in the first place. He might cancel dates, not show up and then apologise. She accepts his excuses and even goes on to marry him so that he can step into his role.

The man might also develop addictions or alcohol issues and even beat the woman.

The shift in the partner

Sometimes in the middle of this chaos, a man seeks help to get over his problems. The woman struggles because she does not feel needed. A man might contact his therapist or accountability partner to resolve his relationship issues. The womam might feel infuriated because he is no longer going to her.

It is hard for a woman when she can no longer manage every aspect of her man's life.

The couple's children might start to have problems of their own due to the trauma in the home. They might even get into trouble with the law.

With a recovering father , children can be influenced to seek support and choose the recovering parent.

The mother having done so much for her family can become angry as she loses the own people she thought she had a hold over.

What to do

The woman needs to let go and focus on her life. That might feel empty initially, but with time she can fill herself up.

To stop the blame.

To stop feeling sorry for herself.

To find purpose in taking care of herself

To stop contacting the man to talk about everything she needs help with. To talk to herself for support, and to her support group until things reset.

To let things flow between herself and a partner rather than jumping in all the time to force outcomes.

To let go of needing a weak inadequate man