It is not your partner who needs to change for you.

It is not your partner who needs to change for you to enjoy life

In our misplaced entitlement we are constantly seeking the change in a partner as the source of feeling good or enjoying life. Many of us sit in judgement of an ex for treating us badly. Maybe if the ex did this, we can work things out. A partner for behaving in a way that makes us unhappy. Perhaps if they start doing this , we will be happy. A date for not being consistent. Perhaps if they call more, and regularly, forever after might arrive. A friends with benefits partner for not commiting. Maybe if we start going on dates, they will see that we are great together A crush for not noticing how much effort we are putting in this non-relationship in order that they can notice. Yet, it is helpful to sit in honesty and ask ourselves why we believe they have to change for us to feel differently. As adults we need to see a few ways out of our challenging situations and take responsibility for our lives, without putting it on another person to contort themselves in order to fit in with our requirements. When we walk into situations, we need to go in with awareness of what we are getting ourselves into, with an awareness of what we really want and what we do not prefer. We have to honestly ask ourselves what we are doing for ourselves, while we wait for another to change for us to feel good. Why does someone have to change their behaviour for you? Why can you not change your attitude and boundaries for you? What am I doing while I expect a partner who is doing something to make me unhappy to to change? Why can I not recognise and choose what would be healthy for me? What are you doing while waiting for her to become more consistent, when her behaviour has already communicated how she feels does? Why can you not be consistent with yourself and adhere to your values? What is she doing to improve her life while waiting for the friends with benefits partner to change their mind and want more? Why can she not recognise the type of relationship she chose and that it probably will not lead to commitment unless she changes something in her behaviour? While waiting impatiently and unhappily for the crush to notice effort and maybe approach you, what changes are you making in your life? What mindset can you adopt to alleviate a scarcity approach?

Your hope that your partner will change might come from not knowing how to change or adjust your perspective. Or you might not imagine the daunting task of changing yourself. It therefore feels easy, only if they can change so that you can feel better.

Most of the blame is because you might not be examining yourself to acknowledge your role in your situation.

Most of the name calling might come from an inability to be honest with yourself. You might struggle to own your experience or take responsibility to get yourself out of your situation. You therefore believe that by calling them names, you might feel a bit of relief and imagine that you are less responsible for the mess you are in.

Your reactions might come from an inability to control yourself. So you find an outlet for your emotions when you lash out at your partner. Yet, you need to sit with your emotions and address your inner battle.

Perhaps you believe that the changes your partner has to make will make a difference in your life. Yet, this is your life. It is the changes you make that will make a difference.

Perhaps by blaming others or a partner, you might feel relief that there is someone else responsible. Yet, this is your life, and only you are responsible for it. The relief from accusations is only temporary. Your struggle is within. It cannot be fixed without.

Perhaps by labelling a partner or an ex, it does feel as if you were in the right. That there is someone else who did something to you!

Yet, it is helpful to recognise that only you can take control of your life, and change the way you think and therefore how you constantly feel. You can choose safe spaces where you maintain boundaries to protect yourself. This is all on you.

So, if you want to change your relationship outcomes, and change your life to feel good in yourself, you want to start by understanding that it is not your partner who needs to change.

How you feel depends on your perception of situations, or the environment in which you expose yourself.

When you recognise that where you are is not in your best interest, you can create boundaries physically or psychologically.

You have a choice, to pick an environment in which you can thrive.

Only you can decide to be happy and to take control and create your own joy. Joy is an inside job.

Only you can decide to create space for peacefulness. That is your decision.

Due to differences in the way we look at life, recognise that life will happen. You will meet people or a partner who might not meet your needs or people who have different perspective from yours. However, you can only apppy the dichotomy of control, buy tranquility and to let go of externals.

Only you can learn to manage yourself, to choose to take control of what you can change, and regulate yourself in any circumstances.

If you allow others or the environment to dictate your state of well-being, you are going to struggle in relationships.

If your happiness depends on changes other people make, relationships are going to be an uphill struggle.

If every little thing is viewed as a threat or danger, and is turned into a battle, you might find it difficult to create harmonious bonds with others or a partner.

If every communication is confrontational instead of enquiring and engaging, or you have to have your own way, then others or a partner will struggle to connect with you.

If all you do is judge others or criticise, instead of being curious and expressive, others or a partner might not feel safe around you.

If all you do is complain, it is going to be a challenge to feel good around you.

You might only meet and keep codependent partners who are looking for external validation, which does nothing for your peace of mind.

Imagine this

What is going to happen in your life, in the event that this person is not ready to change , does not want to change , or have no awareness of the expected changes , or does not know how to change?

Is the state of your well-being going to be dictated by someone else's life decisions? Are you going to settle or struggle because they chose what felt good to them, not what you wanted? In all this, it helps to recognise that your life is your responsibility, change starts within.

Life is short, you might be waiting in vain. Dichotomy of control, let go of externals. Life is lived in the present, each moment you andiously wait for externals to change, you lose a moment of fulfilment.

What you can do

Identify that the root cause of your problems is how you look at life. How you manage life. How you live each day.

Explore root cause from childhood. Heal your inner child.

Examine your behaviours, your blame, criticism, reactions and labeling of others or a partner.

Sit with each behaviour or pattern and identify the pre-triggers behind them. What exacerbates this situation in you?

What are you afraid to confront in yourself that is magnified in others or your partner?

Explore your thoughts or cognitive distortions keeping you in this rut.

Identify root cause of your attitude.

Parent yourself and create solutions for intentional behaviour change.

Learn social skills including team work, collaboration, engagement, conflict resolution and change management.

Be in the moment in your relationships.

Maintain boundaries to adhere to your values.

Change a behaviour, or attitude weekly.

Seek accountability.

Evaluate yourself every day.