How you build up resentment in relationships

Feeling responsible for a partner

A habit that can damage your relationship is to feel as if you are responsible for a partner. Whether it is his happiness, his role, cleaning after him or cooking for him, it is not your job to cater for him or his wants. When you step on to this territory, you are officially overfuncttioning. You need boundaries to avoid resentment.

Things you might do that makes you resentful while also leading to disrespect from a man.

1. He comes back home in a bad mood and you take it upon yourself to find out what is wrong with him and how you can help him to feel better.

Next, if his mood is not improving, you try to work out if it is anything you did. You then start doubting yourself and beating yourself up.

He could also get upset because you want to hang out with your friends or have a hobby. You then stop because you want to make him happy.

Next your relationship is a problem. Challenges abound. You do not need to fix his mood or be at the receiving end of it. It is quite acceptable to check in, but give him space to deal with his stuff. If he needs help, he knows where to find you.

2. Maybe your partner leaves clutter, dirty clothes wherever he takes them off, or he spills or drops things without cleaning up. You then take it on yourself to pick up his clothes and clean up after him. Then you resent him, and complain about him to your friends.

The moment you pick up the first batch of clothes, you have officially signed up to cleaning after him.

Whether you stay at home or work, he is capable and able. He can take off his clothes, wear clean ones, move the dirty ones to a laundry basket or washing machine. In less than 5 minutes, depending on the distance to the laundry basket or washing machine.

He can get a cloth or mop and clean up after himself if he makes a mess.

3. Taking care of his mistakes or shortcomings. If he has children with another woman or he has debts or he gambles or acts irresponsible or makes a mistake, avoid acting on his behalf and defending him even when you know how to speak. He will resent you for this, because it is mothering.

4. Perhaps he does not spend time with children and you make excuses for him because he works and puts food on the table. He is a parent, and he is not doing you a favour by putting food on the table.

5. If you both work, you can take turns to cook. Set that up early on in the relationship. If you have not been doing that, start having " I am not cooking and you are days. Have the conversation!"

If you do not work, he can help by washing up, twice a week, cooking once a week or something. If he was a bachelor, he would not be starving or staying in a dirty home.

If there is something you have been doing that you feel resentful for. Stop. Have a conversation with yourself first, and explore where back home you learnt to take care of everyone else except you. He did this at home and as a bachelor.

It is not what you do, but how you are that makes him gravitate towards you. You do not need to work hard to earn a partnership.

After self-parenting, then have a conversation with your partner about responsibilities. Do not dictate anything or complain. Explore what has and has nothing to do with you. Share responsibilities for what includes you, and let him handle what belongs to him, as you hadle what belongs to you.

Most of our relationships are ruined by doing more than we need to do, and not allowing another person to step into their role. This can lead to a feeling of being taken for granted. So, notice your resentment as an indicator of something that needs to change. Change how you approach your relationship. If you keep doing more, he will resent you for this, because it is mothering.

Do less and be more.

For men