How conflict becomes dysfunctional on the second level.

Love on the Second Level

Our difficulties in our relationships can also lie in how much we care about what other people think or feel. This comes from struggling to surrender and let go. Struggle to surrender is accompanied with black-and-white thinking and the need to be right.

In our romantic relationships, we try to to prob how a partner is feeling because they seem to be detached. Or they might not seem to be not stepping forward to get into the space.

So we might try to make something happen, because we feel that they are not feeling how we want them to feel in order for us to feel good.

We might want a partner to feel as well as we are feeling in those moments. When we are happy we want our partner to share our happiness and be happy as we Larry are.

When we are not happy or something is bothering us, we might feel that a partner needs to feel as bothered and unhappy as we are. This might make us feel supported. This is when we might want a partner to stop talking to people we do not talk to.

When we have difficult conversations in our immediate circles, we might try to to put pressure on others to feel with us. We want our immediate circles to behave in a way that makes us feel good, rather than focus on how we want to feel.

In order for others to behave in the way we are expecting, we might create in them a sense of guilt. In order for a partner to step forward and take responsibility for how we feel, we migyt not necessarily feel what we feel and soothe ourselves. We might try too hard to feel that we can get soothing from accusations, creating situations, demands, manipulation and shutting a partner down. Except our problem is still active, because it is not solved within.

In our need to be right and to be treated fairly, in order to feel good, we can disregard that others have the right to their feelings too. We can focus on one perspective so much we do not accept other perspective out there.

We do have responsibility to each other to ask for support, recommend support, and to decline and accept the recommendations. We live and thrive in community, in our relationships.

However we also have a responsibility to know when enough is enough. We need to identify the limits of what we ask of others and ditch expectations.

People do not owe us in relationships.

Our struggle is letting go. Letting go requires surrender and giving up control.

We need to be OK with our differences.

Being OK with our boundaries.

Being OK with not being right.

Releasing the fallacy of fairness or the need to be right.

Accept that there is more than one perspective instead of all-or-nothing thinking.

Finally, letting go means owning our experiences and recognising that nobody owes us a feeling.

In other words, we need to stop caring so much about how other people feel. This does not mean we do not care, or that we do not ask, support others or respond.

It only means dwell on a topic for as short as needed to, then move on.

We care more about feeling good, than being right.

We do not dwell on trying to fix the feelings of others or changing their perceptions.

We care about the fact that this situation is temporary.

When we recognise something we do not like in a partner we might try to help them out when they have not asked. We therefore give the unsolicited feedback or force recommendations on a partner when not requested. This is trying to make them do something to make us feel how we want to feel.

We do not demand action or behaviour from a partner. When a partner in not behaving in a way that makes us feel good, we can only express how we feel once and trust them to choose whether to meet our needs or not.

We do not ask for recommendations from a partner and then prescribe how they make recommendations. That is manipulation.

We do not accept recommendations from a partner then not act on them. We all have an unmet need to be needed. When we trust a partner , and we are facing a challenge, in our interdependence, we can ask for support. Our partner might take up their own resources to support us because we are demonstrating that we need them. If we do not accept their recommendations or appreciate their support, and we keep struggling in the same situation, we would be undermining and manipulating a partner. If we do not trust their judgement, we need not go to ask for help in the first place.

In order to prevent the feeling of being taken for granted in our partner, it might be best if we we clarify whether we are just seeking various options and brainstorming, or actually need their help. It is essential to put ourselves in their shoes and imagine what it would feel like to be with someone who comes to them for support, does not take their support and then keeps struggling with the same situation.

When we give recommendations to a partner and they do not follow them, we do not demand that they comply. As mentioned above, this might be because they do not trust our judgement or are unable to ask for support in a clear way to indicate they are considering options. They might then keep struggling with the same problem. We have the right to refuse them support next time as a boundary.

To protect our relationships on the second level, own our experiences. We allow others to take as long as it takes them to feel what they need to feel. That is the freedom we are all seeking.