Fear of abandonment leads to loving too much

It is because of fear of being abandoned that make you do anything to keep the relationship going.

You believe you might not survive outside the relationship. You feel terror and emptiness implied by abandonment.

You will do anything to avoid how you felt when your parents emotionally abandoned you or loved you less, or left.

For this reason you will focus your energy on trying to find ways to make the relationship work.

You spend time, money or effort, if that can help him become everything you want and need him to be. This way you will win that struggle to achieve what you have always wanted so much in your life- love.

You can fill applications for him and get him interview tips.

You can even do things for a man that you do not do for yourself or your children.

You can get him into therapy or counselling and beg him to go.

You might allow him to emotionally abuse you so that he expresses his emotions that he could not express in childhood, or in a previous relationship

You can look for things that he likes, get them for him, finance them so he is happy.

You can get him clothes so he looks the role of your presentable man.

You can give him your property or buy him expensive cars so that he does nor feel inferior to you.

You might finance or offer him accommodation so that he feels comfortable.

You patiently wait for him to change while trying harder to please him. You believe you need to do enough to change him. You are comfortable changing him than yourself.

Because you grew up with parent who were not responsible and who adopted childhood coping strategies, you had to grow up fast and take on responsibility beyond your ability.

Due to the power conferred upon you by default, you now believe it is up to you to make relationships work..

You end up with partners who are irresponsible and blameful, and whose behaviour makes you feel that it is up to you as an expert at taking responsibility.

Deep down you do not believe that you deserve love and to be loved as you are. You have to make an effort to cover up your short comings and work hard to appear to be awesome because you do not believe you are.

Your dysfunctional family had "sick" caregivers who had addictions etc. They were unable to protect you. They were instead , a source of harm, than security and protection..

Due to your overwhelming traumatic experiences, you try to turn things around. You therefore try to protect yourself. So, you find partner's you can help, in order to feel safe and in control.

Loving too much means living in a fantasy world where you believe you can transform an unhappy man to someone better, with your help of course..

You have no idea of what being in a healthy relationship means, and so you fantasy is the next best thing to a healthy relationship. ( Pay attention to the stories you share about how good it could be, or how he is a "good man" even when his behaviour might not be in the best interest of the relationship."

You therefore do not gravitate towards healthy partners, because they do not need your talent and compulsion to fix.

In your addictive relationships you have a desire for another person’s reassuring presence. You focus on a partner to avoid your fear, anger, emptiness and pain.

This is why you seek more contact, more attention, you do not want to break-up, so that you avoid going inwards.

Avoiding your emotions means you are not in touch with your own feelings. Without being in touch with your feelings, you cannot use them to guide you to make wise decisions about important aspects of your life.

If a relationship is toxic, you cannot leave because you have physical symptoms. Symptoms can only be relieved by returning to your partner or seeking a new one unless you focus inwards and heal.

Time to heal your inner child.

To love yourself.

To be OK with the discomfort.

To feel and name those emotions let them guide you to make decisions in your best interest.

SIFTSEM.