Enabling toxic behaviour

The reason why people end up in a toxic relationship is because of enabling behaviours that are not in the best interest of an individual and the relationship. Whether it is you who started the problem, or it is your partner, one of you initiates and the other one enables.

Enabling is a control strategy where you "give to get." That means, by letting your partner get away with unhealthy behaviours, you believe they will love you and stay with you. That is far from true.

Here is how people might enable behaviour that creates a toxic dynamic.

1. Allowing a partner to get away with behaviour that is not serving the relationship.

2. Letting a partner get away with being abusive and not speaking up. You might believe that is love, but it is not. They will get comfortable with that behaviour.

3. Failure to create boundaries and to say no to a partner's bad behaviour. Boundaries invite respect or a break-up. Either is OK.

4. Answering back and engaging in verbal wars when someone is verbally abusive. Disengaging and walking away would be self-respecting and prevent escalation of conflict.

5. Taking back or sleeping with a partner who is cheating without foremost separating to create a boundary, which might give them the incentive to choose to change. If they learn that you will get mad briefly, then take them back, they will continue doing what they like. There is no boundary.

6. Walking on eggshells around a partner who is abusive. If you fear losing someone to the point that you do not speak up, they will keep up their abuse.

7. Providing money to a partner who uses substances or who abuses alcohol. Or buying them addictive stuff. It might sound like love, but you are encouraging their bad behaviour.

8. Not reporting to the police when someone is physically abusive. You do not deserve to be physically abused. It is a crime. Report and press charges or your partner will not stop.

9. Repeating yourself all the time that a partner is not meeting your needs, instead of taking action, or walking away. You are dealing with an adult who knows what they are doing.

10. Defending someone who is abusive to your friends, family and authorities. Your partner will not respect you for that. They will not feel the need to stop their unhealthy habits.

11. Basically staying with someone who is consistently not acting in the best interest of the relationship is enabling.

Partners need to avoid caretaking in the name of, " I love them!" That is not love. That is helping a partner to self-destruct , while this enabling partner is also destroying themselves in the process.

A partner needs the incentive to change, and encouraging their unhealthy habits does not allow them to reflect on their behaviour.

They need to be challenged with congruence and boundaries. "This is not in my best interest" needs to followed with action. Leave, if nothing changes. Leaving means, " I accept that you are free to choose what you do, and that is OK. Yet, this is not for me!"

There is no need to fight with a partner who is not willing to do something that is in the best interest of a relationship. Neither is there any need to try to convince them to change. The more you try to change them, the more the reactance. People resist control.

It is up to a partner to choose to change, when the partner who is requesting changes has taken space or distanced themselves.

Letting go is key. Allow people to choose what is best for them while doing the same for yourself.