Dysfunctional conflict in your relationships

Perhaps when you raise an issue your partner raises a counter issue. It helps to look into the fact that a partner is a mirror. Ask yourself what it is that they are teaching you, rather than why is it that they are doing this? If your partner raises counter issues it might be that you have unresolved conflict in your relationship. They might not be speaking up due to their own conflict resolution language. We all resolve conflict according to conditioning and what we were exposed to on our physical trail. For this reason, you might be both a fit for each other's experiences. Perhaps one of you is confrontational and unable to express conflict in a healthy manner, and the other one is conflict avoidant. They might not feel safe when confronted with issues and might have a habit of ignoring issues, but keeping score. It does not have to be like that. Healthy relationships are created by the people who want them. The desired outcome when you address conflict in a healthy way is safety. You both need to feel safe in the relationship. To be able to express your needs or hear out a partner's concerns without fear of push back or being harassed. 1. Look into planning conflict resolution hour each week. Agree to sit down once a week and express any issues that need to be resolved. This helps both of you. It helps your partner to express stuff that they hold back and where they might probably expect you to do the same. It helps you to prepare and consciously address conflict, rather than confront a partner in a way that might have them feeling unsafe from their trauma. 2. Secondly, how feelings are expressed during conflict resolution might be making people feel unsafe. Again that is two way. The best way to address issues might be to start with self-parenting and soothing. Next, compliments about what someone has done well can inspire them to listen. Also, when there is an issue, feeling statements can help to minimise feelings of shame and blame. People have trauma, and they might feel attacked. We are not responsible for how they feel, but we are responsible for how we show up. 3. Also, make it a habit to practice appreciation and compliment each other when things are working well. When then there is conflict, your partner might be more inclined to listen.

Appreciation in relationships for what is working can balance negative feedback. Compliment your partner before you express any concerns in the meeting.

4. Use a code word when voices are rising or you are feeling unsafe during conflict resolution.

5. Give each other a chance to speak. If you feel triggered, agree to allow each other space and parent yourself then get back to your partner with feedback. 6. You inspire when you teach by example. Explore conflict in a way that you would like to see in your partner. Be the person you want to date.

7. Learn to accept feedback, nobody knows everything. What your partner says is not personal. Listen and learn. If conscious ways to resolve conflict are not working, that might signal incompatibility. Look into whether you might just not be the right fit after giving your partner a chance.