Control tendencies

When you find your partner being reactive after you express your needs, recognise that they are responding to you.

If their response is not appropriate from your perception, then give them space. They might be feeling controlled.

Control can be perceived or real. It helps to recognise that we all have trauma, and how we respond to others, is how we learnt to communicate in our early years, and how we learnt to respond to situations.

Recognise that many of us are trying to learn to exercise our freedom, and leave behind the clutches of control in which we were brought up. Any threat to that freedom will lead to reactance.

Understanding your partner's expressive and conflict resolution language helps you to understand the emotional currents of your relationship.

If they get distressed when you express yourself,explore the following ;

1. What you are expressing to them might feel like something they do not feel they need to share with you. Right or wrong , that is how they feel and we all have the right to feel what we feel.

2. When you are expressing yourself, consider how you deliver the message. In that might a source of trigger to your partner. Perhaps they are busy, preoccupied or have other issues going on. Ask if they are available before you start talking. Yes, we all have our inner issues.

3. How you express yourself matters and can trigger your partner. Using feeling statements can demonstrate that you are owning your experience.

4. Where you express your issues might also trigger your partner. If you point out problems in front of people, that might feel shameful for your partner. The environment is key when expressing yourself.

1 to 3 can be an indicator of entitlement if you do not deliver the message in a way that feels safe to your partner.

This might lead to defensiveness. So, while you are right in expressing your needs, foremost, learn to parent and soothe yourself create plans for when, where, how and what you need to say to your partner. Express appreciation before criticism. Recognise that as much as you have needs to express, your communication method might be an indicator of trauma. Learn from the feedback you are getting from your partner's behaviour. As much as you have needs to express, you can express them without bleeding on your partner or others. As much as you have something to share with your partner, as long as it is not a life and death situation, it can wait. Learn to schedule conflict resolution hour to support so that you both prepare, which might help both of you to feel safe.

In expressing yourself, also recognise that if your partner is not listening, paying attention or holding space, it is up to you to safeguard yourself.

You cannot prompt, probe, beg, or push or punish someone to hear you and hold space.

Holding space is something that people choose to do, in reciprocity, in a healthy relationship. If they are not choosing, that is information for you to use to create solutions for your next level. This is not information for you to try to convince them to notice you.

This becomes an issue of boundaries. What are you doing to protect yourself or to act in your best interest? Because, if your partner cannot hear you, then it helps to recognise this feedback as a sign of how the dynamic might unfold long term.

Your partner is under no obligation to understand you if they do not feel like it. You do. So, listen to yourself and decide from this feedback, what is healthy and helpful for you long term.

Focus on yourself. That is where your control lies. If you recognise things for what they are, you will one day meet someone who does not need prompting, in order to do relationship with you