Choosing our trauma mates

We choose unhealthy partners subconsciously. This is because, we have not learnt to deliberately and consciously To change our outcomes, we need to start to ask ourselves questions. We are responsible for our choices.

1. Who or what does this relationship remind me of, especially in my childhood? Are you trying to win this person, just like you tried to win the love of your mother or father?

2. Do you see this person as a victim of their childhood and therefore try to love them into wellness?

3. Do you want to win in your struggle with your partner so that you feel a sense of achievement?

Some of these partners disapprove of you or your behaviour.

...They might break up with you several times and you beg them to stay.

....You might not spend quality time together but you still believe you are in a relationship.

...They might be aloof, hostile and indifferent and you wish to change this unloving person into someone who loves you.

...They need your help and understanding, so you can feel as if you have the upper hand.

...They tell you they are afraid to be close to someone. You feel that mabe they have not found the right person yet...you!

...They tell you how good you are together, and how attractive you are to them early on.

...They might be in a relationship and ask you for advice about their relationship.

...They might have problems with money, sex and intimacy.

Some people do not know what attracts them to their partners and others do. Those who know might want to take on the challenge the prospective partner represents.

A person with a more difficult childhood, will struggle to end a toxic relationship even more, unless they have done healing work.

Trying to cut themselves off from such a challenging relationship makes them feel empty. They feel their childhood terror.

This charge or excitement that is in a toxic relationship, is not present in healthy relationships. The thrill of righting wrongs, getting back lost childhood love, and gaining approval is the driving force behind their falling in love.

What to do

Pay attention to what you are getting out of the relationship instead of how you can help a partner.

Notice the excitement in the early stages of relationship. Ask yourself what it reminds you of.

Observe yourself getting bored with nice people who you might friendzone.

If the relationship involves pain, get out. Do not get used to struggle and suffering.

If you start to become unhappy, uncomfortable, hurt, upset, that is disagreeable because you need comfort, caring and a consistency companion.

Do you have your own life?

Heal your inner child.

SIFTSEM your decisions.

Note that a healthy relationship can be both exciting and strong, but not compelling like an unhealthy dynamic.