Changing your relationship outcomes through accountability

This might not sound like a topic related to relationships,  but there is power in being accountable to someone or something. Without accountability,  we can end feeling as if we can do anything we want without anyone calling us out. Relationships are supposed to help us grow.  If we are not held accountable, it is easy to live in victim mode, without recognition of where our developmental needs lie, where we have gone too far and where we need to stop.  In your relationships,  you can create accountability and minimise tension and dysfunctional conflict.  1. Communicate your developmental needs or your traumas with your partner. However, this is not an excuse to bleed on your partner. This is an excellent opportunity to have someone help you grow. When you apply your adaptive strategies in relationship, your partner can remind you to adhere to your values.  2. Create a code word to minimise escalation of conflict. When one of you starts raising their voice, it is worth agreeing on a code word to halt conversation,  or to revert to functional conflict.  3. Agree consequences.  If one of you does not adhere to agreed standards, such as the code word, it helps to agree on consequences,  such as the other person walking out.  4. Agree to give each other space  When you are having difficulties in your relationships,  schedule space for clarity. You can agree to have one of you get away for a short while or weekend. Additionally,  space needs a part of your relationship routine.  5. Introduce conflict resolution hour. To avoid discussing conflict regularly and therefore not having moments of reprieve and joy, schedule conflict to one or 2 hours a week. Ensure this period is not ignored or interrupted, because it can save your relationships.  Do not avoid conflict.  6. Learn to communicate in a way that makes you and your partner feel safe. The way you express conflict or your needs is important to the outcomes of your relationship.  7. Write what you need to discuss down as if you are going to a work meeting. When you write things down you can express yourself in a conscious way with feeling statements. When you write things down, you can also remember things you need to say instead of just going on. Keep it short.  8. Love languages  Agree on relationship rituals such as holding hands and looking in each other's eyes for 2 to 3 minutes and exchanging words of affirmations.  In this period you spend quality time, you give each other touch and also words of affirmations. Additionally,  love your partner with their primary love languages daily. As they do you. 9. Adhere to date night weekly and ensure they are uninterrupted.   10. Greet each other each time you meet. Say good bye , each time you part.  11. Trust and allow each other to do the best for the relationship.  Treat your partner as an equal, and step back if you feel like fixing or parenting. Agree to this step and remind each other with a code word, when you are about to fix. 

12. Trust the process and detach from outcomes. You need to hold each other accountable for your individual self-care or routines that you initially planned to adhere to, when you or they are about to or actually crossing lines. Reminding is not forcing. Let your partner choose. The idea is to grow in the relationship instead of turning it into a war zone. This is your relationship. Only you can save it or destroy it.

Even if it does not last long, let the time you are together be memorable and a time well lived. Remember, you both need to want to keep going if things are not working out