Butterflies and attraction online

We are now meeting in the bushes and streets of social media. Adjusting to a changing world , we need tools to navigate this different approach to dating.

We need self-love tools to navigate this different approach to dating. A strong self-relationship prevents premature over-investment in a situation that is not ripe and ready.

On social media or online, people can sound amazing and all-together. We might read the impressive posts, profiles, the sound of logic and intelligence and mistake that as how they show up in real life. Coupled with the photos, or lack thereof, we might decide we have found the one.

Just because they sound great, look great or are even great, it does not mean that they will be great for us.

Except, we know nothing about this person. We do not know what they will be like in real life.

It is not that they are a problem, but we might invest in an illusion.

We might succeed in creating a healthy relationship, of course. Many people meet online nowadays. However, we do not need to invest in this one relationship, before we get to know this person well enough.

Long distance online meets

Sometimes the person we like is a long distance away. Unhealed, the appeal is unparalleled. This is because long distance relationships are a challenge to be overcome.

Before we proceed, food for thought.

We need to explore our patterns.

1. Distance can provide emotional unavailability and an opportunity to prove something. Why put oneself through such a challenging relationship? Because we have something to prove stemming from childhood experiences.

2. Distance can also come from a place of scarcity and the belief that , " There are no better people around me!"

3. The excitement we get for someone we do not know or have not met can be unhealthy. It is not real, because we know nothing about this person.

4. We can begin to invest and plan when perhaps this person is in a relationship they are hiding or still to get out of. Or they might not be half as invested as we are.

5. For the anxious person, long distance is not an ideal relationship to invest in. The unpredictability and uncertainty which exacerbates their anxiety.

When talking to people online consider,

1. Are you using tools to heal and to make decisions in your best interest.

Tools required include

a. Self-regulation to prevent prematurely falling in love based on strong feelings.

c. Root cause to explore why you are drawn to this person.

b. Decision making tools to act in our best interest.

If you sit with your feelings in a SIFTSEM, you might recognise that yours might just be a feeling, but not exactly reality. Create realistic solutions instead of investing in someone who you might not meet. Or who might not be a good match.

2. Talk to other people and keep your options open. Until you are exclusive in a relationship, a lot of decisions are up in the air. Even with exclusivity and commitment, people are on loan.

Compelling excitement for someone you have not met can be misleading. It can lead to idealising a person and then feeling disappointed if things do not work out.

If talking online is not accompanied with meeting early on, you might start to believe that you are already in a relationship, and act entitled.

Also, when you meet with someone after talking for a long time in a long distance relationship, you might rush the process. You might skip some "get to know you" stages and end up in a relationship that might turn out to be regrettable.

In either case, you might also end up trying to make something happen to make up for wasted time.

Consider your relationships with caregivers while growing up. Is there something you are trying to prove?