Be in the moment

While we now know that trauma is the cause of our struggles, it is helpful to recognise the behaviours or attitudes, or even a major mindset that leads to these self-sabotage attitudes and behaviours. You do not know how to have fun or be in the moment. You might not be able to just sit down, go for a walk or dance and experience the moment with your partner.

You might only be present during sex, and get bored, distracted or irritated any other time. When you have been burned in your childhood or in past relationships, it can be a challenge to sit still and enjoy the present. It can be a challenge to simply appreciate the present and experience whatever is happening in the now. You might find it challenging to notice what is working because you are used to things falling apart. In other words, you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you are with a partner, you cannot let them be themselves. You look for problems or mistakes. You either want to correct them, guide them or to change something. Instead of paying attention to what they are saying, you add your story into it.

You twist things around or create conflict and chaos, then cry victim. When you are together, rather than enjoy what is happening, you look for problems, or faults. You nit pick, point out things they did, and hassle them. Instead of having fun and enjoying what is happening, sharing experiences, you focus on the past or worry about the future. You mention what they did wrong the other day, or when they are going to arrange a future with you, for the 27th time this year. You cannot move on from issues and your partner cannot do anything right. If your partner buys you something, or cooks your favourite meal, you become suspicious that maybe they are hiding something. If your partner is happy, you become suspicious, and want them to be as miserable as you are. Rather than let your partner do what they are doing, you want to add your input to it in order to feel that you matter, and that you are a part of them.

You complain about them giving other people attention, not texting or not calling, instead of doing those things for yourself. You can be a part of someone while they put a stamp to it themselves, instead of you. You cannot sit, relax and just share a moment together. You are constantly on the move, doing something. When you are away from your lover, you want to continue being their focus. You worry about what they are doing, rather than focusing on what is in front of you. You feel entitled instead of grateful and appreciative to be alive, and spending time together. You can have fun with people around you. Your children, your friends, colleagues, relatives or alone. You can invest in yourself, and take the moment away from your partner to replenish and recharge.

When you then meet, you are in a place to feed the relationship container from a place of abundance. You have not paused your life because someone was absent. The most challenging part about all this is that while you struggle to be in the moment, you actually want this relationship. If your partner decides that they have had enough, you will fall apart. Yet, the very same behaviours you are showing up with, are the behaviours that are pushing away your partner. When you are not in the moment, you can end up abusive. You can be a nightmare in a relationship. You become fault finding, a nag and controlling. In essence, your partner stops feeling good around you, and cannot stand being around you.

Be in the moment

Loose up and learn to have fun.Smile, laugh and chill out!

Otherwise you miss out on life while looking for problems.

Inspire your partner to experience a fun life with you so that they want to be around you

To be still and just enjoy what is in front of you.

Be content with the space between you and your partner in moments where you are apart.

However, also open lines of communication and ensure you are open to each other to avoid confusion from avoidance.

Learn to avoid pressure or forcing your own timeliness or forcing outcomes.

In fact, intentionally take space from a partner. This will strengthen your relationship.

Agree on conflict resolution hour weekly, to avoid reactive behaviours.

Learn to regulate yourself and to SIFTSEM when you feel like you need to be with your partner all the time.

Learn new ways of thinking and being.

Take responsibility for your life, and invest in other interests and other relationships.

Boundaries are important to avoid manipulation disguised as being permissive.

Trust and allow that a partner will step into their role and do their best.

Accept a partner for who they are or let them go.

Learn to play games, with children, together, learn to be goofy, to dance, to laugh and to relax. The child in you needs it.

Find simple things to appreciate in nature, in your partner in other people, your children and things.

Practice gratitude and positive affirmations everyday.

Learn to hug yourself and to spend time with yourself in meditation.

Join a community of people who are healing or improving their lives.