Adult children of alcoholic parents

Adult children of alcoholic parents

If you are struggling with alcohol addiction or you have parents who have alcohol addiction, it helps to recognise that this might impact the way you do adult relationships or the way your children will do relationships.

Also, relationships with parents with alcohol addiction can deteriorate and become toxic. As an adult child, you might have put up with a parent's behaviour for long and maybe even looked after the parent as a child.

If you are looking after or have challenging conversation with your alcoholic parents with alcohol addiction, or as a parent yourself, recognise that at some point, something has to give.

People get tired of unhealthy patterns. The system collapses from constant triggers.

If you are an adult child of parents with alcohol addiction who is finding that conversation is getting difficult and toxic, and you have had enough, it helps you to step back and detach.

Focus on yourself and nurture yourself.

If you live together, moving out is beneficial. Do not sacrifice yourself to look after your parent when you are putting yourself through pain. This is exactly what codependency from such an environment leads to.

If you do not live together it might help to simply create boundaries.

1. Set up a schedule for contact.

2. Call or respond only once a week or at a pace that feels comfortable to you when you feel ready.

3. It is ok to ignore some calls for your sanity.

4. Parent yourself before conversation to manage your pre-triggered state, as you would do for a child who is anxious before a performance.

5. If the conversation is getting toxic, it is ok to say goodbyes and put down the phone.

6. If your parent continues to be abusive, you can block them for a while.

7. Additionally, recognise how you do relationships. Many children of parents with alcohol dependence end up codependent in unhealthy relationships or patterns. Work on your relationship patterns.

8. Finally, monitor how you parent. You might want to learn from experience what not to do. Codependent parenting is equally unhealthy for your children.

Sometimes as parents, we believe we are having harmless fun when one glass of wine turns into a bottle of wine.. One pint turns into a stupor or slurred words. One day of drinking turns into months and a lifetime of drinking. Just hanging out with friends drinking turns into being a regular at a pub, bottle store or bar. Alcohol affects your life. Your role as a partner, parent, colleague or community member. It affects how your children view themselves, how they view the world and relationships. However, the most vital piece of information is this, when alcohol turns into a way of life, it is a coping mechanism, to manage pain. As Gabor Mate said, “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.” And the source of pain is always and invariably to be found in a person's lived experience, beginning with childhood." As you manage this pain in this manner, you equally transmit this pain to the next generations and it goes on.

If alcohol dependence was part of your childhood joining Coda.org is helpful.

If you are struggling with alcohol dependence Alcoholics Anonymous is an important recommendation..

Also join Al.anon for children of alcoholic parents.

Some people we cannot change, but we can love them from afar. Learn to parent yourself

SIFTSEM is on Amazon to learn to parent yourself. Self-care is especially important for everyone, and also for children of alcoholic parents. Invest in yourself and not too much in others.

Be aware of the unmet need to be needed which can wreck havoc in your life.

Heal your inner child to break the cycle, and give yourself the parents you needed then. Apologise to the child who was parenticised at a young age. And not looked after with love and attention of a present parent.

Maybe there was violence too which you need to parent yourself for.

Nurture your inner child and be there to do for yourself what your parents could have done.

Learn forgiveness to allow your healing.

Learn dichotomy of control and learn to let go.

SIFTSEM Journal

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09CRNQDML/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_VPS4KTKQSC14N8DHQYWT

Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_E9219SET1KRAWNWHDWVP