Key to peacefulness in relationships. Acceptance and letting go

Control and denial do not enhance our relationships or our lives. We need to find our own forever-after without extracting it in a partner or relationship.

We need to learn the dichotomy of control. The dichotomy of control helps us practice acceptance, to recognise what is, and to allow that reality without changing it.

Acceptance helps us to achieve tranquility, even in the face of adversity. We achieve unconditional peacefulness by not manipulating or trying to control externals.

We can do this when we do not try to change people to look and behave as we want them to. Or to encourage and coerce them to be what we want. We appreciate then for their good qualities. We do not wait for people to change to be happy. When we let go of control, our partners can be their best selves and might turn out to be the best partners we need.

Our selfish motive to change others is that we believe that will make us happy. Our happiness must not be in the hands of a partner or a child. If we make others the source of our happiness, that is taking away or avoiding our responsibility to improve our lives.

Interestingly, if you let go of control and do not force, encourage or manipulate a partner to change, that actually gives them the incentive to change if they want to.

When we force,beg or plead, that turns off the other person. In a relationship, a partner starts to avoid coming home because of our complaints and pressure.

The push back

Trying to change a partner gives them justification that perhaps they are better off without us. This behaviour creates emotional distance.

A partner can end up working too much to stay away from home. Going away with the boys to avoid us. Avoiding intimacy and closeness and also avoiding himself or herself.

By neglecting the relationship, this person is making a decision. However, it is not our job to straighten him or her out.

Our job

It is our job to enjoy our own individual lives.We are capable of being happy and fulfilled , but we hold back our happiness because we make out that the behaviour of a partner is preventing us from being happy.

Rather than focus on enhancing our lives , we devise plans, we scheme, and get busy trying to force someone to be what we want. When we are not successful in forcing outcomes, we feel frustrated, throw tantrums, keep, scream, shout and hit and then get angry and depressed.

Rather than use the energy in changing a partner, the most fulfillment comes from changing our own lives. If a partner has a problem , we can live a life fulfilled no matter what the partner does. Their problem is their own, even if we wish they were different.

This attitude prevents resentment for his behaviour we might not accept. We will be free of guilt for not being able to peform the impossible task of changing our partner.

When we are not resentful, we can love a partner and be affectionate. If we become more fulfilled without spending much time with a partner, we might eventually decide that there is no point in committing to an unavailable person. This is only possible while trying to change someone.

When we give up the struggle to change a partner, the partner will be left reflecting on their behaviour. The more happier she becomes with our own lives, the more the contrast with our partner. Our partner might notice this distance, and decide to engage with us and come on board. Or they might not. Either way, we create our own forever after.