2 attitudes that kill your relationship.

2 attitudes that kill your relationship.

Relationships are killed by competition and believing that you are equal.

Competing

How do you compete

When you start to monitoring and calling out behaviour, instead of stepping back and observing, self-parenting, evaluating and expressing.

When you notice what you might feel is not right and want to correct.

When you want to match or give back. Receive if they give. Then at some point, you can offer from a place of clarity.

When you want to straighten them out to be perfect.

When you think their feelings do not matter. Perhaps they raise an issue, and you feel that yours is the important issue.

Wanting to be in charge when you can simply surrender and let go.

Financial competition can also be an issue in some relationships.

Perhaps your partner did something nice for you. Instead of receiving and appreciating, you want to show them you can do better. If they did something you resent, dislike or are jealous of, you might post jabs , digs or passive aggressive comments online or directly, instead of discussing.

As long as you are in charge of your life and you adhere to your boundaries, you do not need to compete with what another person does. You do not need to prove yourself.

If you start competing, you probably need to reconsider the relationship. None of you will win.

The illusion of equality

While you are partners, the illusion of equality can lead to dysfunctional conflict and unnecessary arguments.

Recognise that there are times when one of you is leading a situation, and the other is following.

These moments will vary depending on context and whatever is happening in your relationship.

There is something one of you is good at, and another different something you are also good at. Respect each other's strengths and let your partner lead those situations.

Sometimes, you need to be the learner. Other times the teacher.

Discern when you need to lead, or follow. Discern when you need guidance and support. Discern when you are called to hold space.

Avoid taking things personally when your partner is leading. Teach by example and encourage them and show appreciation.

If you try to be everything at once, your partner has no role to play.

Also, learn to assert yourself in situations where you can provide guidance. You know something and can do something better. Do not allow yourself to be helpless.

If you feel that things always need to go your way, or that you are the one who is always right, you are assuming the other person might be unable to make helpful decisions for themselves. Remember, one of the decisions and choices they made is being with you.

To feel equally partnered, you both need to contribute to the relationship without competing, and allow alternate leading, as appropriate.

Learn from a partner, you can not know everything. You also need help. Also, you need to be proud that you chose someone who is capable of stepping into their role.